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sunday, april 13, 1997 15:25

I'm not exactly sure where my backpack is right now, but i don't think i'm going to dwell until i know that i'm absolutely fucked.

last night was pretty fun. yesterday, ended up falling asleep at 10am, waking up at 2:30ish. that's always fun. spent the day screwing around, not really doing anything, working on the page, thinking about the final project, and really not too much else, i suppose.

wow, did i really waste that much time? i suppose i did.

nothing doing. talked to sarah. had to go to a party held by a friend (somewhere else in my building). did i want to come along? well sure, why not (oh, i could give plenty of reasons why not). barge through a party going on downstairs from me (where'd that come from), and went to this other one.

a while bunch of people i just didn't know, having some sort of semblence of a "real" "party." quite different than the other night, when it was a whole bunch of people i didn't know just being silly. when there's some sort of social order to it, when people are actually trying to be in a "party mode" then i find that the fun factor just goes way, way down.

i'm not really one to blend in with a crowd. how fun would that have been, really? lot's of people drinking, lots of loudness. no, not my idea of a good time.

good thing we left.

ended going back to her suite, watched a movie with some suitemates, talked and all that fun stuff. fast times at ridgemont high. mmm... bad 80's movie. looking back, bit hair, bad clothes. was life really like that? i don't even remember. all i remember of the 80's was that everyone was taller than i was. and that in middle school i really didn't have too many friends.

that probably helped me in the long run. has made me realize how good it is to have friends. how i never want to go back to that time again.

and how goofy looking Judge Reinhold is...

tuesday, april 15, 1997 00:48

I don't think i've been this exhausted for a real damn long time. I mean, i've been tired in the past (actually, i can't remember the last time i've actually gone through my day awake, save for the fact that i was really happy about it), but today i'm just completely drained of energy.

Hockey'll do that to ya. We got completely wrecked. Not enough coordination, teamwork, skill, or strategy. Not to mention the fact that we're all computer science majors, which has got to work against us in the whole scheme of sports.

But we're still undefeated. heh. We're 0 for 3, and we're undefeated. The wonders of technicalities. The other team's had to forfeit every time for either not showing up, or not having enough players. Funny how that works out.

I haven't really done much in the last few days. Didn't sleep much last night, doing work, showed a prospective student around the cs department, but other than that, i've just been doing nothing. hanging out, as it were. But i think i've needed this break. Going to be getting back into the stress of things in the coming days, and just want to make sure that my head's firmly planted on my shoulders when i jump into all of that.

And there are some other feelings that I really don't know how to express right now. That I can't express right now. That I won't express right now. That I really don't need to express right now. If you want to know about them, ask me in person. There's so much to be said for contact. There's so much to be said for being with a person, being next to a person, to see what they're thinking, saying, feeling. There is so much more to a conversation, so much more to words, than just the words. To see the words, to see the voice is so much more powerful, so much more real.

So much happier.

10:48

And I had another one of those dreams last ngiht.

thursday, april 17, 1997 10:20

It's really just way too early to be writing. Now i know that to the rest of the waking world, 10 am really isn't that big of a deal, but for me to be able to go to sleep sometime last night, dead tired, and to wake up at 10 is a wonderful thing. I still have most of the day to get through. Granted the sky is overcast and the construction is going full force outside my window, but i still can't get over the fact that today's starting out to be a pretty good day.

... people letting out from classes, or going to classes. I can't tell. Yesterday was the big pre-frosh "let's see what that there school's like so we can decide whether we want to pump obscene amounts of money into it each year" day. and suddenly the campus was jumping again. really felt like a college, instead of just a place where people go to school.

as much as i like complaining about it, as much as i hate the work that i have to do, i really am enjoying this whole downtime between high school and the rest of the world. the people. the environment. but what is environment but people stuffed into one particular place? yeah. i'd have to say people.

friends.

in high school, i had my little collection of friends. we were all theatre geeks, with some cs knowledge. and we all go along really well. and that didn't really prepare me for friendships outside of school. friendships here. cs based. theatre base. and then a bit of other based. and people don't always get along. and people don't always tell each other what's wrong to their face.

and icky things can happen.

and here i am, not knowing what to do. i sit. i listen to one person bitch about another. i listen to the same exact thing with the roles reversed. can't do anything about it. can't do nothing about it. i want to help. i always want to help. i want to be a part of fixing it. but there are some things that have to get worked out on their own. i realize.

people have to let go.

people have to learn that their friends are going to make mistakes. they're going to do things that seem incredibly stupid at the time. and we all have to learn what is our place, and what is not. we have to learn that screwing up is part of life, screwing up is part of learning, and that we should all be allowed to screw up on our own.

and this is getting way too abstract for me to follow. perhaps it's really about myself.

of course if i'm writing about myself in the third person, then who am i? damn, that get's confusing...

11:05

at which point i realized that what i wrote before was a bit lame and not all too spontaneous... take two...

Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 11:04:40 -0400 (EDT)
From: jcn@toyland.netspace.org
To: michael@otherside.org
Subject: simple pleasures

as a child, you lived for the moment. or rather, in the moment. whatever it was that made you happy, it made you happy because you didn't have to think about it. it made you happy, end of story.

now, the things that make you happy do so because you've thought and planned and worked them to death, so their happiness is lost in the planning.

as a child, the world is fresh and new. there are always new things to discover. the smallest brook can house even smaller tadpoles, or snakes, or flowers growing under a rock.

now, you've seen all the flowers, the snakes, the tadpoles. you know that there's nothing in the brook but the soap from the neighbor's washing machine that keeps over flowing. and property taxes. the world has become stale.

as a child, you have fewer expectations, and more to learn.

and now you think you've learned enough to live the rest of your life. to stop learning as a child and to start living like an adult.

i think it's time to kick over some rocks again...

saturday, april 19, 1997 14:20

Hrm, where did everyone go? Ah, no matter. Ah, yes. The concert. Didn't know they were all going... regardless, that's cool, i can get him his keys later...

Here I am, stuck right in the middle of spring weekend, which sticks me right in the middle of a whole lot of drunk people. That's not so bad, but what gets to me is that fact that the one redeeming factor of having bands playing here at school has been put off by the fact that not only am i not very interested in any of the bands that are here, but they all have to play indoors because of the weather.

Last year I missed the spring weekend. I was in the theatre. Actually, i have to go back there soon. But still. Here I am, ready to enjoy it, and it's all icky out. Of course I've been having fun the last few days, and really, what does it matter what it's like outside, when you're happy inside? I think i'm pretty happy right now. Been spending a whole lot of good time with friends.

mmm... friends.

So, what's been going on lately? Last night, another fun filled friday night. Kick ass movies with the Film Society. Well, actually, first to go see The Amorophous Blob, a solo performance written and acted by a friend of mine. A love story between a blob born of bunion and a trashbag. A love that was never meant to be.

You really had to have been there.

Then, off to the movies, where we saw Annie Hall (hey look, another love story) and then went back to Sarah's room, briefly, then off to Store24 to buy castelle some chocolate milk. mmm... milk. Then, it was time for Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! Damn, i really watched a lot of movies. Lot's of culture crammed in there, i believe. Or something.

And another (almost) sleepless night in sarah's suite with sarah, lulu(dmilla), castelle. Lots of fun. Lots of talk. I ended up sleeping a bit, and spreading out on the bed so nobody else could get comfortable. Hehe. They're going to have to learn to kick the crap out of me if I do that again.

And i find out that most people have problems with me. Well, not so much me in who I am, but most people think that I hate them. This, i have concluded, is not a good thing. "Oh yeah, I think he hates me" or "Yeah, he's got such an attitude." This really isn't how i'm trying to go through life. It's just sort of turning out that way.

So what am I supposed to do. Perhaps try to be more friendly? To whom? I didn't even know that i had this problem until it was pointed out to me a few days ago. I'm not, in general, a friendly person to people I don't know, or don't know well. I'll look at people, smile, if I know them, or if they say hello. Otherwise, i'm in my own little bubble.

But apparently there are a lot more people that I should know that I really don't know. Or at least a lot more people who think they know me, and feel that I should know them equally as well. I should just get myself a sign that says "I don't hate you." Of course that might give off the "angry at life" side of me.

Just can't win. Bah.

15:17

In striving to procrastinate, I see that I can either organize my bookmarks, or write some more. Since the brain isn't working quite right right right right now, i think i'll do some writing. Heh.

I surround myself with people who are, in my mind, much smarter than I am. Granted, in this environment, it's not too tough, but even in general, I know that these people aren't wholly better people than I am, but are merely more talented in certain areas than I am. Strange then, that along with this comes a sense of inferiority. Of course this really isn't too surprising, but it's strange that i put myself into these positions.

even more annoying is when They tell me that it's not really true, that i'm smart, that i'm looking at things completely one-sided. Well duh. Of course. And yet there's that feeling that I just can't shake. Not even a feeling of can't. I really don't know how to change this feeling. Of course it may be good for me. Better to be surrounded by smart people than dumb ones.

That, and if they ever do think something I say is cool, it just puts so much more value on it for me. Heh.

For your reading and my writing enjoyment, just another exploration into the neuroses of jcn.

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