another kind of me

Think of them as thoughtlets.

For the week of april 6, 1997

sunday, april 6, 1997, 01:50

Sitting here in the "prestigious" graphics lab in which much playing of video games, "surfing" of "web pages," and overall socializing occurs. Graphics research? I think some of that happened once. It might even occur these days. But every time that I've been up here, nothing's happened here.
and they get the nicest machines. and the most funding.
why? damned if i know.
i'm just rather bitter about the status that's applied to this place. and i can't concentrate any more. so i'll bitch a bit more when i leave here.
or not, it's not even worth it.
03:30

Wow, this seems a lot later than it really is. For one, i'm tired, and for two, we just hit daylight savings time. spring ahead time. whee. lose an hour of sleep / work time, just when i need it most. Lucky me.
Loud drunk people walking around outside. i'm sure they all have work to do, i'm sure they all work just as much as i do. so why am i in my room and they're outside. Maybe they're just a lot more vocal about having things to do.
seems like an awfully bad season for friendships. mine have been all weird, though i think that things have settled down for the most part. my roommate tells me that he's not talking to one of his close friends, at least for now.
must be something in the air.
i had a really great day, waking up a bit late, playing me some street hockey, doing some budget work for class, trying to work on this audio server bullshit for my software engineering class.
and spending some time with some really cool people.
the only thing that i'm upset at these days is my inability to express emotion and feeling to people. can't tell people how i feel, or at least have a really hard time with that.
perhaps spring is the season to change. birds singing, trees regrowing, it's a happy time all around.
might as well take part in that myself.

wednesday, april 9, 1997, 01:30

I should be studying for a math test. But i haven't written in a bit and i'm getting too much stuff stuck in my head. if i write, maybe i'll free up some room for math.
How exactly do you tell somebody that they're not wanted? I like to think of myself as a fairly nice person, but everyone has limits. People who barge in on conversations. or even not barge. Maybe they just linger. But if they are in the wrong place, they're in the wrong place, and there's nothing you can do about it. But it's very hard to tell someone to go away.
it's even worse when that person doesn't know that they're not wanted. Or if they can't accept this fact. Or they just don't care. Hints. Nope, those don't work.
So I just end up tolerating it.
I feel guilty about the strangest things.
...
Phew, he's gone away. To torment someone else. *sigh*

08:45

SNOW?! What the hell is this? Make up your damn mind already. (it's okay, just a few flakes, really...)

11:47

Authentic Personal message at 11:47:08 on Wed Apr 9 1997 From: Jeff A <jla> on cslab4d To: jcn@local-realm
I know it isn't much consolation, but i'll bet it'll be easier the second time around... (of course, when i was in danger of failing my math class, the last thing i wanted to think about was suffering through it again...)

Nope, none at all...
i just hate feeling stupid.

thursday, april 10, 1997, 03:30

That's it, time for me to stop talking out of my ass. I keep saying things to people that i don't really mean to say, that I really don't feel have any relevance to anything happening in my life at the moment. The problem is that they're usually about someone else. And inevitably it get's back to that person, and shit hits the fan. even if it's nothing significant.
so just stop telling people shit.
Also been talking to a few people "online," as it were. poke fun all you want. i find it quite comforting to talk to people who don't see you every day, who don't know all of your friends. like m-x doctor, but better. and with more responses.
What i find quite interesting are the emotional bonds which can form between between people who have never met before, or the fact that people who meet online can form such bonds out in the real world. I've known a couple of people who have gotten together after having met on the spacebar.
I've also been learning a lot about people through their journals on the web. This too has started me thinking about the implications of knowing someone only through what they choose to say on their web pages. of course there are things that i'm not writing here, that i can only keep inside, that are personal.
but there are also a lot of things here that i just don't out and say to people. which confuses me a bit, seeing as i'm a fairly Closed person in real life, emotionally. Perhaps it is because this is only writing to a screen. There aren't any real people out there reading this. All that's happening is that i write, save, and leave it to fester.
But to have such a constructed view of an individual is strange in a way. I can talk to people about what they've written on their web page. But in the end, this seems a bit twisted.
Of course, is letter writing any different? I suppose that it's the nature of the medium, bringing people together that have nothing in common except for the fact that they have the same interests. Fancy that. Doesn't matter what color your skin is, or what you look like. Here it's the value of your words that's important.
Which is why it scares me to know how judgemental of people I meet in real life. Knowing that any person that i see walking down the street could be someone i have just read about off of a webpage, or just got random email from scares me. To know that the words that I read were brilliant, and to know that given the chance, I probably wouldn't have liked spending time with this person really makes me question my own moral standing. Of course, I believe that all humans are judgemental. Some people are just better at hiding it from the world.
regardless, i've been away for way too long, and have been way too zonked to think any more.
good night.

saturday, april 12, 1997, 02:15

I really can't deal with people. Not in that i can't deal with being with them, but in that i have absolutely no tact or sensitivity when it comes to dealing with them. Unfortunate. I think i'd better stop going to parties. They always start out well enough, i think i'm having a good time (in fact, might even be), and something always comes out and bites me in the ass.
as if life was playing a cruel joke on me. "Oh sure, we'll let you have fun for a bit... but don't expect it to last. you're going to end up fucking it up, and it's going to be all you, baby. enjoy it while it lasts."
christ.

21:31 (after about 3 hours of procrasitination)

Having lots of problems writing about what happened last night. Either am too tired right now, or just don't want to write about it. Oh well, let the fingers do the something, and let's see what happens.
Went to see a musical last night. Into the Woods. didn't really like the show itself, liked the actual production. and i remembered what it was that made me fall in love with musicals in the first place. it's the reaction of the audience. it's the escape from reality. it's the way the audience feels after sitting through two hours of people singing through life.
finished the show, then went upstairs to fix the sound system. of course. always on duty. it feels good to be able to be part of the whole production. strangely enough, even emptying the garbage cans upstairs was satisfying. Nobody at that theatre really understands what goes into running a space, even people involved in the productions. Garbage? just gets emptied by magic. whatever. i enjoy doing it. it makes me feel like i'm giving something back to space for all of the fun that i've had there.
left there, and finally ended up at a friend's suite for an ACLU party. Talk about strange. The party part was just that, a party. And i don't really function too well in parties. though it was pointed out to me that everyone there was too drunk to notice that i was making a fool of myself, it took me a while to be able to even get out on the dance floor.
not comfortable enough with myself i suppose.
finally got to dance a bit. probably because it was too dark for anyone to even see me. but i still had to take time out to recharge myself. that whole introverted thing. if i spend too much time around people, i just get drained. it's strange. and it's not too fun, but it gives me a chance to get away from the crowds and the noise.
and the macarena. argh.
Okay, that's it. I really can't figure out how to write the rest of this, so this is what i had written to my friend earlier today...
---
and i was standing on the outside looking in always do, but then i finally got to dancing a bit (and you should see jon doing the macarena) and it's pretty cool and people are spilling beer and people are really fucking wasted and it's fun and finally the party starts trickling a part (oh, right, but not before two people sing "the aclu song" with new lyrics to that queen song, bohemian rapsody or whatever), and slowly slowly people start leaving, and we're sitting around talking for a bit.
and then after everyone had left it was sarah, one of her roommates and another girl, and we're just sitting around talking and whatnot, and it's pretty cool, and then i look up at sarah's computer, which i'm telnetted into the cs dept, and there's a zwrite from castelle, so sarah says something like "ooh, mike castelle!" so i invite him over (at about 4), and he comes over, and we just hang out and talk about everything from fetal alcohol syndrom to Zork for the c64.
and then i fell asleep for about a half hour (with my hand sticking straight up in the air and my head kinked at some really annoying angle so when i woke up i couldn't really move), and some other people did, and we kept on talking and listening to music and damn castelle is so smooth and cute and why the hell can't i be as cool as he is and he doesn't have to try (or even if he does, he does it so well) and he so "insecure" as he says but even if it's true then he does a really good job of hiding it, and people just naturally end up liking him, but he's my friend and i can't blame him, and i really shouldn't take it personally because at least they didn't ignore him, which means that they could put up with me, which means that at least i wasn't invisible next to him but damn did i have to try.
---
but then i realized that there really was nothing to worry about, and that i've spent my whole life worrying about other people, and how i compare to them, and it's going to be so much easier and nicer and more peaceful for me to just accept what happens in my life and to realize that if people really don't want me that they'll make it known to me, one way or another.
So it's all good.
And then it got bright (damn where did the night go?) and we all finally got up off the floor and treked over to the dining all and had breakfast (mmm, they've got some damn good french toast there and oh, bacon) and we were all really tired, and i hung a spoon off my nose, and castelle fell over in his chair and started driving around the dining hall and i chased after him and it was all fun and weird and a fun ending to a really enjoyable night.
It was quite "orientation-esqe" and it made me realize how much my friends mean to me, and that it really isn't that hard to meet other people and boy this is a really long sentence. (not really that long)
hey, maybe i'll go to another party tonight. heh.