another kind of me

saturday, january 9, 1999, 23:59 hrm. almost missed the 2 year anniverary of this journal as i've been out of commission lately due to the fact that my mouth feels like it's been smacked with a big old truck. but now, four wisdom teeth lighter, i will no longer have any impaction nightmares. "oh god get them out agh!" but i got to save the teeth (well, the two that are still intact). i'm thinking of casting them in some resin. a pendant? earings? something fun like that. but my mouth is still sore and the drugs are helping but i can't help but shove my tongue back and feel the stitches that are sticking in my mouth. so getting back to that whole tooth extraction extraveganza, the first thing was that they strapped the little nose thingie on my to start me on the nitrus. which was okay at first, because it didn't feel like anything. but soon enough i started feeling funny. now whether it was a combination of my severe needle phobia coupled with the fact that i had a pulse monitor strapped to my finger which i was sure was going to shoot a needle into my skin at any second, or whether it was just the gas, i started feeling a distinct drowning sensation. this caused me to panic, which caused me more anxiety which led me eventually down the tunnel vision road to passing out. and i was in a car, driving somewhere, driving somewhere until i came back to two faces looking at me, and as the world shifted back into view, i was told that i did indeed pass out and that they now had me on pure oxygen. which felt a lot better than the gas. an iv of valium later and i was feeling no pain as i was hit with novacaine and the extraction drilling and cracking and crunching started. being out for the first bit of the surgery i really didn't feel any of that, but toward the end, i was aware of exactly what he was doing in my head. and i'm really glad that i didn't feel anything. since then i've been sleeping off codeine and the like. waking up early this morning due to pain reminded me just how much i like mornings, when nobody else is awake, and the only noise is the sound of the world waking up. and the crackle of a fire in the fireplace. though the worst part of this whole experience was the drowning feeling under the influence. and it wasn't just drowning. it was an intense sadness. a depression. and i really just wanted to start crying. it was as if everything bad that ever happened in my life piled up on me right then. and i wanted to hide it. to bury it deep into my stomach. and that's the last thing i remember before losing it. and i wonder why i don't cry any more. up one | mail | mon | thu | fri