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monday, january 4, 1999, 02:53 i realize that i have no idea what day it is nor could i recount what i've done for the past couple of weeks. there was a party in there somewhere, as was there a christmas and some presents. beyond that, my life has been a blur of words as i try to catch up on reading which i am not able or willing to do during the year. and even that isn't going so well. i've been trying to plow through kara swisher's aol.com about aol's rise to the top of the online world. but my mind has instead been all over the place. thinking quite clearly about responsibilities which i have which i'm just not taking care of. things that need to get finished which aren't. and worrying that though i'll have had five weeks during which to get everything finished, nothing will and i'll be back where i started. on the other hand, i've slipped back into watching sappy movies and wishing someday that i could be the guy who finds the girl and falls madly in love only to find that she loves him too and they live happily ever after. as this chapter of my life draws to a close with only four more months in this physical location, it seems silly to start something now, even if it were to present itself to me. and so i mope, and think about how things would be different if i did have somebody in my life. waaah. cry me a river. i've also discovered that i am probably going to have to put my plans for a theatre on hold at least in the short term as i explore my options for life. try business for a couple of years and make contacts and learn how the world works. try a steady job for a couple of years to make money while you plan for this dream. the thing is that this is making more and more sense to me day after day. and it's looking more and more attractive. get a job, make some money, add some stability to my life, get an apartment, get a life. don't lock myself into something which is going to suck away the next twenty years of my life right away when i haven't even gotten a chance to sample what's out there. i've got all the time in the world, right? well... not exactly.
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