another kind of me

friday, february 13, 1998, 04:20 I have accomplished nothing today. Updated some web pages. Went to a really bad talk about new media art and the internet and this guy's experiences in Berlin doing art and web pages and some of his thoughts, time on the web, web years as dog years, though it really just turned into him reading a paper (or something less) off of his notebook and "when you're reading off of a computer screen, sometimes you lose your place... uh.... ummm... well... the... no.... ummm..." which led me to believe that it was just about a waste of about an hour and a half listening to him talk, but if you're into that kind of thing, try rhizome and play. Did the consulting deal from midnight to four and decided that it is probably the worst place on this campus to get any work done at all. perhaps it's just the way I work, or maybe I've gotten spoiled in my room, but i just can't get anything done in there, what with the air conditioner blowing and the lights and the people and the chairs and the air and the high pitched whining of 65 workstations. needless to say, I got nothing done in my four hours there. I was going to try to justify myself by bringing up a conversation I had with castelle, but then realized that it was really just futile. That even though I might have had a good conversation about death and depression and girls and writing with him, that doesn't mean that I necessarily got any more done. It just means that while I was not getting any work done, at least I wasn't bored. This whole overall dissatisfaction really is getting to me though. Today, I learned that I don't like the sound of people laughing any more, and that I have a very low tolerance for people. It's not anything specific, and there are some people that I can deal with. However, there are certain people (pitches, volumes perhaps) that I just can't listen to. Be it the sound of their voice, their laugh, or what they have to say, whenever they open their mouths to speak, I just cringe. I know that whatever it is that comes out will be repulsive to me and I will become hyper-critical of whatever they happen to be talking about. And I suppose it's not even talking. Growing up, and even now, I need(ed) attention. I would do anything I could to get attention in elementary school. I was always the short kid, so I would have to do other things to get people to notice me. Mostly that involved yelling and screaming until people saw me. I was a spaz. And now. Now I really can't stand people who, for one reason or another, feel the need to get noticed. I just can't deal. An example? Can't. Why? Because there's no way that I can talk about it without it sounding petty. But this is just something that I'm going through these days. Perhaps it's trying to get rid of an old part of me that I no longer want to have anything to do with. Or maybe it's just me, looking at people, and realizing that they're being stupid. That they are talking and acting not because they have anything to say, but because they just have to do something to get my attention. I'm whining again. Bah. I'm still in this rut. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where I am. All I do know is that I don't like it here, and I would really like someone to come along and take me away from this awful place and bring me somewhere where I can sit in the flowers and not have to worry about there possibly being dogshit right where i want to sit because some dumbass let their dog do whatever it wanted wherever it wanted without any regard for anyone else because that's really what most of the people at this school are like anyway (or so it would seem to me on days like this). Bought my computer-dating fund-raising "these are your most compatible people at your school why don't you go out and have coffee with them in hopes of bringing the total dating population at this school up from about 10 couples on these beautiful days where you walk across the green and can't help but see these ultra cute couples playing kissy-face while you have to walk nonchalantly into the postoffice knowing that there's nobody in your life right now who would even want to touch you right now, let alone suck your tonsiles out" forms and found that while I do know a couple of the people on my form, it doesn't really matter, because the people that I do know, I would have no desire to go out with and anyone else who I didn't know on that form I would have to get to know first, so there was really no point to me shelling out $3 except to know that it's going to good causes like financial aid and postscript. I need to find myself a rut-breaker. I wonder if the hardware store would have one of those... up one | mail | sun | wed | thu