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sunday, february 8, 1998, 05:29 It just didn't start off right. After awakening to find myself still fully clothed, lying on my bed, the stereo still on, along with my desklamp and the christmas lights, I just knew that I must have just had one of the worst nights of sleep ever. Not to mention the sleep patters that i've developed over the past few weeks, and we come to see some really bad stuff going on around here. The day was pretty much non-existent, having spent it in the theatre. There are a couple of problems that I've been having in the theatre these days. Primarily, it's the fact that I have a hard time teaching people. Or rather, I have a hard time teaching people when I feel that I should be learning. This leads me to a "I'd better just do it myself" attitude, which, truth be told, does actually make work go a lot faster. But how exactly do you tell to a person who has taken time out of their saturday to help you out and work that things would be going much faster if they'd just keep their hands off your work? ... 'Course after the work, I head over to the party. The one party that I'm actually planning on attending anytime in the near future. The one party where I actually may have a chance to meet some new people. Talk to some stranger. Sit in a dark room, Orbital playing in the background, while drinks are being sold to minors at the bar across the smoke-filled room. Sit on a second-hand couch and gaze into the eyes of a stranger, not even knowing her name, noticing that the purple glitter under her eyes makes her cheeks look that much cuter. Sit and stare at each other, conversation a thing of the past. Hands inching towards each other, holding your breath for the moment that they first touch. Feeling the warmth spread through your hands to the rest of your body. Knowing that, at least for a little while, you'll not be alone... Of course this was the plan. Reality check sets in, and I realize that when you spend all day in the theatre and show up to a party just as the bar is closing, that there's pretty much no more party going on in this party and that everyone else who came to this little event to have fun have already had their fill of fun and who instead now just want to go home and go to sleep because, for the last two hours, while I've been standing twenty feet in the air, my flesh being burned and scraped by the joy that is theatrical lighting, they've been drinking and doing things that normal, helthy college students are supposed to do on saturday nights. Danny tells me that I need to reprioritize. Hrm. Walking around alone after having left the party, I was thinking to myself what exactly it was that I didn't like about the experience that I had just had. And I realized that I really hated feeling sorry for myself. But most of all, I realized that I wasn't enjoying walking around in the cold on my own. No matter how little fun I might have had this evening, the problem wasn't so much that I had missed the party, or that I had essentially killed my day. It was instead the fact that I just wanted somebody to talk to. Funny that. ...
Looking at the clock, the boy realizes that it must be time to go to sleep, quickly snapping off the light before his mother comes in to make sure he's done his homework and brushed his teeth. And of course his mom knows that once she leaves the room, he'll grab the flashlight and keep learning. the hell? I've got to stop doing this.
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