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wednesday, february 11, 1998, 04:40 been so long now. it seems. not really thinking. just going through the. motions. nothing to look forward to. nothing to give meaning. just. doing. finding comfort in tv. two hours, tuesday night. at least gives me something to look forward to weekly. even if it is just two hours of living other people's lives. after all. there's nothing in mine. the theatre is sapping me. i don't have the energy. school work slipping away. replaced by sleep, bad schedules. awakening this morning at 6, finding pre-dawn and little rest. some work, some reading, some slipping back into slumber. back out at nine for a meeting. the theatre. again. theatre work. meeting. some sleep. some tv. some computer work. a wasted day, unfortunately. need a vacation. can't think. listening to my shoulder (resting head on shoulder, interesting, try it sometime) hearing the bones rub. eyes trying to close. cold air blowing in across sleep prepared body. chilling the skin. comforting. a chilling comfort. knowledge that one is alive. nothing worse than being hot, stiff. where the entire body is cramped, tired, swollen. to be cold. more aware of the body. feel more alive. but not any more awake.
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