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tuesday, september 30, 1997 23:58

Yeah, so i'm a big fucking slacker, what's your point?

Actually, that's not really true. I've been under the impression that I'm a big slacker these last few days, when, in reality, i think that my priorities are just shifting. Either that, or I just have more shit to do.

I've been filling my time more and more with theatre. Probably to fill up parts of my life which are just... lacking. I really can't figure out what it is that i need in them, but i know that there's a space there. And even if I know there's a hole there, i don't know what to do to fix it.

So i just take on more responsibilities. If I fill up all my time, then there's no time to worry about the rest of my life. Some people do that by doing more school work. Much to my parents' dismay, this is not the case with me.

No. I feel that running a theatre is time a lot better spent for me.

Granted, I'm not in the theatre right now. And that's because i have a project due tomorrow night. And instead of working on it, i'm here, typing, and feeling the cold air blow in from outside. Change of seasons.

And i'm not getting to enjoy it.

It's all a matter of priorities. I go through this every year, but I think i'm finally getting them straight.

friday, october 3, 1997, 03:01

Yeah, class in a few hours.

Strange.

This whole time thing.

An attitude change in my life. Hopefully a lasting one. Hopefully one for the better. This time, it's more of a relaxation. More not worrying about stuff. More, though this sounds pretty bad, not caring.

Realizing that what i do here damn well better be fun, because otherwise there's not much point to it. Experience is what's important here. And i feel like i've said this all before. I just don't know. maybe not. But whatever I end up doing, I have a feeling that Chinese Comparative Literature probably won't play too much of a role.

Though I might be wrong.

Hell, my operating systems course may not even mean squat.

Of course this may or may not do anything for the way people perceive me. Attitue my ass. Am I supposed to care what other people think. This is an honest question. I really don't know what to make of this idea of how things look to other people in the world. People who aren't me.

Thoughts running through my head, really nothing more concrete than that. I've been talking to friends who are leaving here soon. Going out into the world. I've been looking at my life and my approach to it. I don't know if I'm doing it right. I don't know if i've been treating people right.

I have a low tolerance for bullshit. And most of the time, ignorance falls under bullshit. And if people aren't humbled by the fact that they don't know anything, then yes, i will get an attitude. Hell, i know that i don't know stuff. And i'll admit it. But when people are just complete morons, and don't know it...

That's it. My brain is starting to scare me. These are things that I just couldn't concretely define until now. No form. No structure. No control.

I need control.

I need to stop this now.

"quick. someone stop him before he thinks again."

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