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sunday, november 9, 1997, 03:32

I don't know. Maybe this place isn't serving the need it once did. Or maybe i've just been getting more and more tired, more and more lazy.

Really seems to be a trend these days. At least for me. Can one person have a trend? suppose. *sigh* Whatever.

I guess it's time for me to rant. Yeah. So this whole "being on the board of a student run theatre" thing is getting to me. Not so much because nobody else is doing work, because other people do participate in the actual running of the theatre.

I suppose the real problem is that for me, it seems like it never ends, whereas other people can take a break and work on their other projects. This seems to be my other project. I've lost my Saturday mornings. Damn maintenance mornings. Optional time for board memebers to go in and work. Today was building platforms.

Optional my ass. It seems to be optional for everyone but a few of us. I'm tired. I need rest. I work that place all week long. I don't seem to get a break.

Ever.

And tomorrow, a 10am meeting. That's just cruel. And the problem is more that i go to the meetings to tell everyone what projects i've been working, my weekly report, if you will, and then i get dismissed. Perhaps it's because i'm not a team player. I say this again, i'm still just "the tech guy." Nothing more.

My opinions mean little to nothing, and while i'm sure everyone appreciates the work that i do, they just assume that i'm going to keep doing it.

And they're right.

I suppose i'm just bitter that i have to wake up at 9 in the morning on my weekends and spend a minimum of 8 hours there. Heh. Bitterness. Oh, right. Bitterness too that i ended up shoving a screwgun into my hand. Mmmm, tearing of flesh.

Regardless. Didn't get as much work done today as i had wanted to. Did get some done though. So hard when you're sitting on a couch, trying to read, your own shadow casting darkness across the very pages you're trying to read. And knowing that closing your eyes is so much more convenient that actually letting the words enter your eyes and get processed by your brain. And knowing that when you close your eyes there will be no effort at all required to send yourself off to sleep.

So I closed my eyes.

Woke up a couple of hours after that, not knowing where i was, what time it was, or even what day. Quite confusing, and not really too comfortable. So i slept some more.

After that, ended up going to the video store and renting Emma. Nice film. Fun, romantic, not too heavy. Perfect for this cold, windy, rainy evening where it would have been perfect if there was a fire crackling in our fireplace, with the only light in the room being the flickering light of the fireplace, the only noise the rustling of the leaves, the branches banging against the window, and the pop of the logs in the fire.

Of course it would be useful to have a fireplace first, so the whole thing's pretty much moot.

Deary me. It's time to sleep.

Have to get up for that meeting you know...

friday, november 14, 1997, 18:02

Yeah, so i've not been writing lately. I know. It's all a matter of sleep over net.presence or something like that. Oh, right, I've also been working on this thing and I've been looking for housing as well for next year.

saturday, november 15, 1997, 04:35

Slept through classes. Well, I went to them, it's just that midway through them, I can't seem to stay awake. Strange. Sleep is just overpowering. Takes over my brain, my eyes have to close.

Unfortunate really. I so do want to stay awake.

What the hell am I talking about? Must be a loony.

Went to see Starship Troopers tonight. Fun movie. Blood, guts, people getting wasted by some big-ass bugs. Our take on it is that the government is actually planning a war, so they're desensitizing us to the violence against aliens before the real thing. I mean seriously, Independence Day, Mars Attacks! (though i question the validity of this movie in the argument), Men In Black, and now this one.

Kill the aliens, preservation of the human species.

Hrm, think I'll go off and fight a damn war somewhere.

Actually, if humans are progressing at the rate they are in Starship Troopers then it's all over. Humans are just stupid, arrogant creatures who think that their brains are bigger than their balls.

Bah.

....

Boy, I like coherency. Ended up haning out at Bickfords for way too long. "Hey jesse, want to go to Bickfords?" "Okay." And I walk out three hours later. It was just going to be a little ride there, which turned into a big drive to the stadium where the other car is parked so we can stand around in the snow (since there was actually snow for a while rather than just that ice crap) scraping the ice off of a windshield and then driving off to an all night pancake hut to get eggs and toast sitting in the smoking section coughing my lung out (or at least feeling like I should) kind of evening.

It was nice.

Spent time with the theatre people in my life. Or some of them at least. Nice break from all the cs people. Not that I don't love them. But I need a change.

And then got home late. And was going to go to Sarah's party. But got home late. late. Was I really planning on going to the party? I can't tell. I was going to make an effort. I really thought we'd be getting home at a reasonable hour so I could go off to the party. But really, I'm just not a party person and there was really no way that I could have had fun there and...

I'm just trying to justify this. To myself? Perhaps. Justify the fact that I hurt a friend's feelings because I couldn't go to her party.

Should I feel guilty? I don't really know. People I don't know in a situation that I don't like in general. There would be no reason to go but for her, which should be enough, but can't I do so without the pretext of a party? In fact, wouldn't I rather visit with a friend without a bunch of drunk people running around?

In fact, that's what I ended up doing. At paula's. A friend. Drags me off to bickford's, then doesn't get to talk to me all evening. So we talk. And we talk. Talk about school, life, and everything else.

Nice to recapture friendships.

Boy I'm tired.

Depressing thing of the night: I have no goals for my life, big or small. And there are no people in my life right now that I'm lusting after. Not even anyone's who's definitely unattainable. Nobody. Boy that sucks.

Good point: good? hrm. Does the fact that there are non-cs people who actually care about what I'm talking about count as one? If so, then pow, there you go.

Yeah, I'd say that counts. I'd say that counts a lot.

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