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the old stuff
For the week of may 11, 1997
Wow, I really haven't written in a long time. Been spending so much time dealing with my life, actually living my life, that i haven't had a chance to tell any one about it.
I suppose this is my chance.
I dunno. Going through my days, this morning for example, walking to the theatre (9am, sheesh), i've been planning what i want to say in here. Living my life, and immediately trying to record it. Of course, that isn't goin to happen (especially at the rate at which i'm typing now, damn fingers). I don't know if this is necessarily a good thing. Or a bad thing for that matter. It's just another way of living my life, but it seems to me a bit disturbing to think of things in terms of how i'm going to present them, as opposed to how i'm going to deal with them at the time.
Of course i end up forgetting all of it by the time it's time to write, so whatever.
...
What to write indeed. What have I been doing with my life these past few days. Not working, that's for certain. Granted, I still have plenty of things left to do for school, and yet, at the same time, I can't get myself to do any of them. That's it, after writing this, going to finish up that theatre project. Check it out, a plan. Heheh.
So, let's see. What better way to waste a whole bunch of days, than with some really bad movies. It started friday night. Went over to sarah's and watched The Craft, Tank Girl, and UHF. Quite a fun evening. Castelle came over at one point. Sarah's suitemates were there. It was a fun old time. Saturday, after theatre work in the morning, it was St. Elmo's Fire, then Adventures in Babysitting and finally Brazil. Okay, fine, so I fell asleep through most of brazil. It's not my fault though. Really. mmm... sleep.
Walking around today, I started to notice the increased presence of parents, and cars. Getting toward the end of the semester (toward? okay, fine, it's a week away), and people are up and leaving. I didn't realize how much i was going to miss everyone until i finally realized that Sarah's leaving in a few days. That's a bit early, but a whole bunch of my friends are leaving ... less than a week from now. Really puts things into perspective.
"I'll talk to you later."
Going to be harder and harder to keep that promise. Thank goodness for the wonders of email. Still, summertime. That means that another semester is over. That means that I'm halfway done with college (barring any unforseen problems). That's a bit scary. What's even more scary is all of my friends that are actually graduating. As the time draws closer for me, i have more and more friends who are actually getting out of here for good. Last year, whatever. Little freshman. I knew, what, three, four people who were graduating. Now, yikes. It's frightening. Even people that I'm not really friends with. Their presence. Just seeing them around (the computer center, the theatre).
And what's going to happen to us all after we graduate. Okay, more selfishly, what's going to happen to me? I really like the college life. Staying up late. Friends around all the time. It's really all about being social.
The real world is nothing like that. Not at all. Atleast, not from what i've heard. And this scares me. This scares me to no end.
Am i going to be friends with the same people as i was in college? High school? or are we going to completely fall out of touch with each other. it happens. it happens to most people. it becomes impractical to stay friends.
That looks really funny. Friendship shouldn't be about what's convenient. It should be about ... friendship. Itself. And nothing else.
it's about sharing dreams. it's about sharing pain. it's about sharing life. and this is starting to sound really silly. but it's true. i've been here two years now. i have made some really good friends here at school. In the last month or so, I've made some more really good friends. They're a part of my life. They have shaped who i am and what i am.
And to think that i'm going to leave in two years and not be able to say, "see you in the fall." that's just no good.
Better stop dwelling and learn how to live life as it comes to me. Who knows what's going to happen in the fall.
Please tell me that it doesn't have to be like this.
So, by some stroke of luck, the heat's been off in my room all day. This is an incredible thing mind you, because normally it's about 90 degrees in here, with the windows open, with the fan on. But today, it's been perfect. In fact, maybe even a little cold.
Just the way I like it. After all, it's really hard to stay cool, but it's a lot easier to get warm.
It's also raining out. The sounds of the rain falling through the construction site is always so beautiful to me. Even after the rain has stopped falling, the sounds of the drops falling off the scaffold hitting the concrete floor continue on for quite a while. Like my own fountain. My own, really large, and often quite loud fountain, but at times like this, I really don't mind it.
...
As I was walking back to my room after missing out on meeting some friends for dinner (bad timing, coupled with the fact that i just don't seem to ever remember to check my answering machine), and as I turned the corner to my dorm, everything just stopped. It was really quite facinating. The cars disappeared. The two people walking in front of me, giggling and running disappeared. It was as if everything just got turned off. And I was left with the pitter-patter of raindrops on the new memorial that was being put up near by.
It was wonderful.
now i won't say that it was a completely life changing experience, and at that point everything became perfectly clear. I should be so lucky.
It did, however, remind me that thing's probably never be so bad that i won't be able to stop and listening to the falling rain and realize that everything's going to be okay. I can always count on the rain to come along and clean everything up.
Eventually.
Oh look, I think the rain's stopped. Time to get back to my studying.
For better or worse, right?
Yeah, that's right, my second year of college is over, for better or worse. Granted it didn't turn out as well as i would have liked in some ways. But do things ever? No, of course not. And there were some pretty good things that came out of it.
I don't think i'm in the right mindset to do a year in review. I'm just a bit empty right now. There's nothing to do now. Oh, sure, i have to pack, and i have a show to work on. But a neighbor of mine came in before and told me that he found it strange to see me here, without any work to do. To see me here, not strung out of my mind. To see me ... dare i say it... relaxed.
Yeah, i said it.
I fell asleep on my bean bag before, because i could. I was tired. The year weighed me down. And I just fell asleep. And i didn't dream. Or maybe i did. Does it really matter? All i know is that in that cloudy time between sleeping and waking, i couldn't remember who i was, where i was, or why sleeping was feeling so good at the time. My roommmate was in the room. I didn't notice. I didn't notice the cold air brushing against my feet (where the hell did springtime go?)
It was over.
Oh, and for anyone following the math saga, the grades aren't in yet, but i'm pretty sure i failed the course. Now this will have been my first academic failure. Not fun at all. Not a good...
voices outside.
a skateboard.
people yelling.
People are leaving all around here. hell, i'm leaving for a few days too. it's going to be strange, coming back here. to emptiness. or. even better. coming back to strangers in the rooms of people i once knew. or something like that.
we fear change.
i fear change. i fear what the next year is going to bring me. i fear what the future will bring me. i fear going through life alone. for now, i have someone. and i have my friends. but will that always be the case? i have a bad temper. i'm not the easiest person to get along with. is there going to be a time when people just won't be able, just won't want to deal with me any more? i fear loneliness.
... feeling at all. pit-of-my-stomach-ick. nausea. headache. i'm not a happy person. not happy at myself. i knew it last night. i studied. pshaw. whatever that means. i don't even know. i don't even care.
That's not true. That's not true at all. I care. I care a lot. But there's nothing i can do about it at this point. all I can do is plan for the future. I made some mistakes, now it's time to fix them. But not now. Now i have to get ready to turn my life upside down again. The semester is over. My time in this place is over. Moving on again. Hehe, stability? Who ever said that you need stability?
(oh, wait, i did)
But we won't worry about any of that right now. That's all in the future.
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