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For the week of march 23, 1997
This week is going by so quickly, and it hasn't even started yet. Just thinking about plans that i have makes the week just blow by. Which is why i'm so glad that i had fun these last few days.
let's go all the way back. See if I can't remember anything from a long two days ago. I've found that most of all, i keep this journal to help me remember what's going on in my life. I just saw Lost Highway yestarday, and at one point, one of the characters tells of his dislike for video cameras. "I like to remember things the way I remember them... not necessarily the way they happened." (or something like that) That's almost what these journals are to me, except that i know that if I try to just remember things, they'll be gone from my memory way too soon. I'd rather have these
static
slightly lacking
entryies to jog my memory a few weeks, months (, years?) down the road.friday i had classes. while everyone i saw was having fun and enjoying their newfound spring break freedom, i was still doing work. but it was over soon enough. And then i found myself with my friends, watching The Accidental Tourist on a tiny tv in a cramped room. It was great fun. It was what i perceive college to be all about.
And then we drove to Bickfords. And in these past few days, I have found what people's facination with places like Denny's is. Open all night. Place to gather, smoke, with your friends. Let the rest of the world slide on by as you chow on your pile of whipped cream (and oh, are there strawberry pancakes in there too?) and sundaes and any other sort of food (mmm, turkey club).
And it was good.
and then I went to sleep after spending much (some) of the (rest) of the night on the phone talking about friends back at home, about the rest of our lives, and art. What is art? Is this art? or is this just random bullshit? or is it both? worth it? i'd definitely say so. She helped me find some direction with some of the projects i'm working on.
I found out i was one of her only friends here at this school.
Missing the days of going out with her friends and rolling a joint and being with each other. Sorry, i can't help you with that.
I still don't have any direction with the rest of my life. But that's fine. I don't think i need it right now.
22:15
Saturay is already turning into a blur.
And it was only 24 hours ago. How depressing. So what the heck happened? (my mind is blank) Ah yes, woke up late after having been up late the night before. Ah, the slacker attitude. How nice. Righto, so woke up late, and got a call from a friend asking me if i wanted to go see Lost Highway with her and her boyfriend. I had missed out before (mmm, that theatre thing really sucks the life out of ya) so i figured i had to do it.
If anyone knows what the hell it was about, please let me know. I liked it, i just didn't have any clue what was going on.
Got back, got email from a friend informing me of the fact that the remaining people in her suite had left her and that i'd better keep her entertained for the day. So she came over and we had some fun at the expense of another of my friends.
Got a call. (Going to dinner?) Sure. 6 people piled into a care that's supposed to fit 5. All the better to squeeze into the back seat with my dear. Drove around for a bit. Olive Garden? 45 to an hour. Try again. 25 - 35. Hrm. Chili's? 40 minutes. Oh fine. We'll wait here. You guys go off and be sure to be back in 40 minutes.
Waited then at the door until our name was called. Had my faith in humanity shattered, and my faith in the youth of our nation restored. I waited at the door, opening it for patrons entering and leaving the place. "Thank you?" Perhaps not. Didn't get many of those. People generally stuck in their own little world. What did i expect really.
Most thank yous i got were from a crowd of high school students. You see, there is hope after all, you cynics.
Finally seated, ate.... mmm, non-establishment grade d meat. so good.
Leave, cram into car again. Movie! How original an idea. But you really can't go wrong with a movie (mostly) and there really wasn't much else to do at (10pm). Rent the movie (clear and present danger). Truth, justice, and the american way. How can you go wrong with that. And the good guy wins, to an extent. Makes me happy, even if i know that there really are no more heros.
took the time to be a bit obnoxious during the movie. loud. yelling while friend was on the phone. we wanted to get back to the movie. apparently he was not amused. left. i am sorry. i sometimes do that. never think of consequences (social graces, bah).
And after the movie, all done, we left. Walked with a friend to to the video store to return the tape, then back to her suite (yes, the same friend from before). Flight to leave later (this) morning, had to stay up and pack. Oh what crazy things we college students do. Had great deals of fun. Can't believe that was this morning.
Really don't remember too much of my time there, since i kept falling asleep. Know that I enjoyed myself. Know that I don't know really what's going on. Will play more with my mind before i say anything more.
Left this morning at 6:10 to meet her cab. Came back here. Read some mail, screwed around for a bit then fell asleep. The rest of the day was spent sleeping. Then theatre (didn't think i could stay away, did you?) then finally back here. Now I get to do all the work that I know I have to do, but really don't want to believe.
Made myself a list of things to do. Time to get cracking.
An interesting day to be sure. I fell asleep last night at midnight because, well, i could. Besides, my reading for my theatre class was just way too boring and...
(oh dear, my roommate's gone nuts)
i fell asleep. awoke at 2:30am to go to sleep. that was all fine and good as i often do that. What happens next was just disturbing. Woke up, looked at the clock, looked out the window. sun was in the middle of the sky. clock read 5:50. first thought through my head was "my god. i just slept through monday." got out of bed. went to my computer, looked at the clock. 05:50. morning. is it still monday? is it tuesday. what the heck is going on. I finally established that it was in fact monday, and i did not, in fact leave my brain on my floor the night before.
went back to sleep.
woke up again at 7:50 and just could not get back to sleep. Which i suppose is a "normal" sleep pattern, but i'm just not used to it.
Got this from a friend
i have some writing tip for you though trust me on this one, stop veiling proper nouns, name names, if you saw lost highway with kristie say her fuckin name. by the way i apologize for sounding like danah. anyway yeah the more names the more poignant the more pronouns the less enthralling take it from me zippy
it's been a conscious choice to keep all the proper nouns hidden. why? i still don't have a good answer. i suppose that he's right. Although there's something about proper names that makes this that much more real. I've been reading a lot of online journals these days, and have noticed diarists shutting down their pages because they've gotten too real, too complete, and that there was a distinct lack of privacy.
perhaps to me, keeping the names out of it keeps it on more of a fiction level, even though it's all real. perhaps by keeping the names out of it, i can write more openly, because it's not like i'm actually writing about real people. about real lives. perhaps i'm just scared of really revealing who i really am, and what i'm really living.
i'm just going to ease into it slowly castelle, and see what happens.
(my roommate wants me to have "fun." to be loud. to jump up and down. to play. not right now thanks. i have other things to do. enough. shut up. thank you)
wednesday, march 26, 1997 01:29 home again. how strange. this journal was first started about three months ago. what have i gotten out of it. what have you gotten out of it. statements, not questions. i don't think i really want to know.
I just dug up some of my journals that i had kept during a realationship i had about three years ago. Wow, longer. Junior year of high school. Seems so long ago. It really does. Strange what love can do to a person. Every other word in those writings were "I wish i was with her more." I wish. Wish. wish. no, must no longer wish. if i want something to happen, i have to make it happen myself.
and i must never loose sight of what the hell is happening in my life, as i have in the past. reading over, seeing what i was feeling at the time. Thinking now to myself "how could i be so blind?" heh, that's what love does.
hrm, was about to write about the morning, but don't know how to go about doing it...
the typical, cloaked
went over to the co-op with my ride to pick up her car. went inside, and ended up waiting in the hall while she went into her friend's room to get the keys. a muffled voice from inside. "eh? we don't want any..." what was he doing there? quite strange, but i'm not going to argue.
or perhaps, at the suggestion of some more mail from castelle which suggests that naming names will make things more interesting,
was kept awake all last night by the heat in my room (fucking heater) and the fact that eric and anne just wouldn't let me sleep. "play!" "come on!" have fun my ass. i just wanted to write and get the hell to sleep.
this morning, sitting outside my dorm waiting for andrea, i thought about how lucky she and dan are. how they have each other, how they care and have an understanding and how
what the fuck? this isn't me.
this is me trying something new. hrm. it doesn't seem to be working. do i try again, or do i just keep going the way i've been going? (yes, a question)
perhaps we can be true, err, we(?), i can be true, i can tell more, and i can keep the names out of it. naming names sounds so, accusatory. that's not my intention. to tell a small story, to jog my memories, that's basically all there is to it.
over at the co-op this morning, went down to the basement (they keep her in the basement? there's a bad joke in here somewhere) to get the keys. Kept out in the hall. "i think you'd better stay out here" wasn't really said, but it was assumed. couldn't figure out why, until i heard a voice from inside the room "eh? go away, we don't want any" umm, i didn't know that he was sleeping with her these days as well (sleeping, nothing more until i know otherwise). A good idea?
Talking about it later. (Sex) with a friend? What is needed at this time? what is needed at any time? doesn't that fuck things up more than it solves anything? perhaps. perhaps not. perhaps it's a way to break through a block. though it would seem to me that there are probably better ways than that to work through personal issues. I just don't want to see my friends get hurt, and for some (strange?) reason, i see that coming.
i have been known to be wrong.
i'd better be.
was that any better? why did i write all that? why do i care? why does anyone else care? argh.
Back at school already. A short stay, to be sure, but it was successful. I saw my family. Saw some of my friends. Even got some work done. wasn't home long enough to get sick of anything there (at least family-wise). Really not too much happening there, listening to my sister tell me about the social scene (social scene? was there one of those? i certainly wasn't in it)
too tired right now to do much. hands hurt too much.
too many distractions going on around here. people talking. realizing more and more that i need my space. need my own quiet time. and i'm just not getting enough of that these days. was the most at peace sitting in my father's den, sitting in the reclining chair (used to be my grandparents'), reading. listening to the clock. the pendulum. tick. tock. tick. tock.
that, and sitting on the train. nobody around me. looking out the window. watching the world pass by. passing the world by. headphones on. reading. watching people walking down the aisle. being almost invisible there.
coming back here, listening to my roommate complain about how stupid people are. hypertext project. way too complicated for any of "them" to understand (for their feeble minds to comprehend). now i really don't know anything about the people he's going to present his project to, but it would seem to me that if you treat people like mindless idiots, then they're going to act exactly the way you want them to.
Perhaps they are all morons. Perhaps they wouldn't know hypertext from a hole in the ground ("they're going to complain that i don't..."). But perhaps they are all smarter than that. Perhaps they do have the mental capacity.
But don't ever give them a chance. Of course not. That would just be admitting to yourself, to them, that they might possibly be (equal) and we just can't have that. elite is the way to be. once you admit that people can all be the same, you lose the magic, and the power.
okay, that's it. I'm really smoking some serious crack here.
But listening to him has helped me realize how important teaching is. People can't be expected to know everything. They can't be expective to know most things. Or even many things. But teach, be willing to teach. Recognize ignorance, but don't assume stupidity. Give people a little credit, and they might surprise you.
of course maybe they're just all dumb.
19:30 and i had a really strange dream last night
saturday, march 29, 1997 01:48 so i thought i would go out and be social tonight. okay, well, actually, it wasn't my own doing, but was more prodding by my roommate and neighbor and friend.
this was after after getting up late, after writing up that wackyass dream, after going outside becuase it was such a beautiful day, after sitting on the fire escape watching the tours go by, after thinking about when i was a junior on college visits, after wanting people to come to brown because it's so cool, after cooking dinner, after watching 20/20 and the john stossel report about our campus being one "divided", after coming up here to play on the computer.
after all that, i was going to go be social. walked into the room. sat down. going to play taboo. that would be a game with cards and a buzzer. if a game comes with a little plastic buzzer, you know you're in for some trouble. little cards. you have to get your partner to figure out what the word on the card is without saying any of the "keywords" on the card.
this requires thinking.
being drunk probably helps.
was sitting there. looking at the card, and just couldn't think of anything to say that could possibly help my partner figure out what was on the card. not a single thing. first word out of my mouth was one of the words on the card. *bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
this might have been fun, i suppose, but i don't think i was really in the mood. company might have been a factor as well. not that these aren't my friends. not that i can't have fun with them. but, i dunno. something about them. some block that i must have.
where the hell is everyone else? there is nobody here now. guess i'll try to do some more (eek) work.
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