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For the week of june 22, 1997
Woo. Should not be up this late. Starting work tommorrow. Should be interesting, should learn some things. Let's see how this all pans out.
Finally got my ass up and out and went to hang out with castelle in the city today. Not without his prodding and telling me that I'm boring and all, but hey, at least he cared enough to stick around an extra day and show me around instead of going back to school.
Of course I really don't know what we did. But it was a nice day all around. Started out hot, but we ended up getting stuck in the middle of a huge storm. Really nice, the way storms always are. We were in a park when the sky turned dark and the wind started blowing. The park cleared out as people started heading indoors, under awning, anything to get the away from the rain that was about to hit.
We just walked along the edge of the storm for a couple of blocks. Really interesting. For much of the way we could feel the storm right behind us, and the drops were starting to fall, but nothing really substantial.
It finally caught up to us and the sky just opened up. Looked like a movie almost, the way the rain was coming down in sheets. You could just imagine a big hose sitting off camera somewhere spraying water down.
Whatever.
Walked around, did a whole lot of walking, walked a bit more, and did some nothing too. Talked a bit. I dunno. This whole "hanging out" thing is okay for some, but I dunno. Can be just a waste of time.
I do remember, however, sitting on a bench, just watching the people walk by, and realizing that there are times when you should stop thinking about going somwhere, stop thinking about doing something. Bascially, just stop thinking. Times when you should just sit on a bench and notice the woman sitting down next to you in the white frilly summer dress and the big-ass red mini-frame pack. Or the fact that the pigeons don't seem to be scared of anything but little kids. Or the number of people walking by with fans or air conditioners.
Doesn't hurt, and it can give you insight into the world around you.
Of course, if nothing else, it also lets you rest your legs. Heheh.
Late night.
Shouldn't be doing this to myself. Have to be up for work in about 5 hourse. Work. Which, incidentally, whent very well. I'm happy with the projects that I've been assigned to do by the end of the summer. One little logging thing that'll get stuck into the login scripts and keep tabs on the users. That should be simple. The other, a web-based form which will eventually get integrated (somehow) with an Approach database. I have a feeling I'll be learning a lot this summer.
Problem with work is that this now means that my free time is going to be cut significantly. When I get home from work I'm so tired that I really don't want to do anything other than sit and do nothing. So I end up watching tv. Something that, I've determined, is just no good for my well-being. May, in fact, be part of the reason why i'm feeling so damned uninspired lately.
Whatever.
Other things on my mind these days. Like why it is that I don't feel like I'm talking to any of my friends back at home. Like I'm cutting more and more ties back here. It's scaring me. I don't want to lose touch, and yet it's just happening. I'm going to have to start making a conscious effort to keep this from happening.
Thoughts that came out tonight...
how do you let someone know that they mean a lot to you if they don't want to hear it?
Why is it so easy for me to want to cry these days, but so hard for me to find the tears?
Why the hell is it that my brain starts working after the sun goes down and the bugs come out? Would it be too much for me to ask for one full night's rest? In my world. Yeah. Too much.
Thinking, thinking, building it up up in my head. Thinking about everything that's going on in my life. Knowing that the life that I had a month ago has to be put on hold. Knowing that I can't speed up time. Realizing that I wouldn't want to speed up time. That, if I was smart, I'd slow it down, so I could enjoy my days instead of waiting for them to end.
Realizing that I should be happy for what I have, and also knowing that nothing here could make me truly happy.
Realizing that I don't have the guts to say what I really want to say, and knowing that even if I did, I don't have the words to do it.
Knowing that it's sink or swim on this one, whatever that means.
Hope I remembered to pack the life vests.
( n e e d m o r e s l e e p )
Oh, right. And watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Kicks ass.
"if your mind can't add it up, then follow your heart.
if it still doesn't make any sense, you might have more at stake than you know." -mu330wednesday, june 25, 1997 02:55
I knew I couldn't keep this up too long. I just crashed pretty hard. Thirteen hour workday'll probably end up doing that to you. Made more money in one day than I normally make in a month in my job at school, though, which puts into perspective what I'm working for back there.
Whatever.
That's basically it. Work was somewhat interesting, but not really. If there's a way to justify doing something ass-backwards because it seems like the only way to do it, we'll find it. Something about Windows 95 and long file names and copying which makes us swap out hard drives to do these upgrades and just gives us more grief than anything else we could possibly do. And this is the "easy" solution.
Bah.
Did that all day, come home, get on the modem, talk with people, send some really incoherent email. Not sure if any of it actually made sense. I hope so, 'cause there was some important stuff to be said in there.
Lesson #23: don't email zonked. Although I have found that it's much more amusing that way.
Corrolary to Lesson #23: Writing web pages zonked is even more amusing, and can impact more people.
Which, incidentally, is why I do this in the first place. And I can check my log files to see who's running through here. If even one person reads through what I has to say, that's made it worthwhile.
I told my friend that I want to know that my life makes a difference to someone. I think I just have to accept the fact that these pages, in whatever little way that they might do so, have affected people in some way.
Groovy.
On the otherhand, if they haven't, I can always pretend to make myself feel better...
Okay, I'm actually going to get to sleep soon so I can be at least partially awake for work tomorrow. I don't see how I do it. Same schedule at school, much more awake. Although that might not be true. I might just have so much to do that I just don't notice what's going on.
Only exciting thing today is that I brought home a couple of old Macintoshes from the school. They were just going to throw them out, "literally thrown them in the garbage," so I decided to save them.
Really, I think it's just the joy of owning one of these machines that still has the boot screen from 4+ years ago from when it was in the computer lab. I remember sneaking around in those labs, playing games when we weren't supposed to. Knowing more about the appletalk network than the lab aid did. Messing with resources.
Just generally geeking out. A dork then with no life, now I make my living (at least for the summer) doing the same kind of thing. Kind of sad, seeing those old machines just sitting there, not getting any love and attention. Granted, when you're a Mac Plus or a Mac SE in a school full of P75s and P90s running Windows95 off of a newly installed (?!@*&%) NT network, there's really not much place for you, your 9" black and white monitor, or your appletalk excuse for networking.
On the other hand, it's one of those boxy little Macs. Could run Lode Runner, Shufflepuck, Pipe Dreams and hypercard.
Gotta love it.
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