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the old stuff
For the week of june 15, 1997
Finally finished Neuromancer. And getting into this whole reading thing. Oh, before I forget, some quotes that I thought were cool...
Regardless of what it means, it's what I worry about in my life. Missing things. Not being able to get through everything that I want to. Right now, for example, being able to think, very clearly about my not doing everything that I should be doing, not being productive, not spending my time well. And at the same time, wasting my life, not doing anything, not making a conscious effort.Now he touched the points of the shuriken, one at a time, rotating it slowly in his fingers. Stars. Destiny. I never even used the goddam thing, he thought.
I never even found out what color her eyes were. She never showed me.
(268)Frightening to think that my life is shortening by days at a time and all I can do about it is watch the MTV Movie Awards.
How do you cry, Molly? I see your eyes are walled away, I'm curious." HIs eyes were red-rimmed, his forehead gleaming with sweat. He was very pale. Sick, Case decided. Or drugs.
"I don't cry much."
"Buy how would you cry, if someone made you cry?"
"I spit," she said. "The ducts are routed back into my mouth."
"The you've already learned an important lesson, for one so young." He rested the hand with the pistol on his knee and took a bottle from the table beside him, without bothering to choose from the half-dozen different liquors. He drank. Brandy. A trickle of the stuff ran from the corner of his mouth. "That is the way to handle tears." He drank again. "I'm busy tonight, Molly. I built all this, and now I'm busy. Dying."
(183)This one, on the other hand. This one, how I often feel about emotion. Hold it in, don't show it. And if it does come out, just take it, and spit. I don't know. Recently I've been feeling empty. And it all stems from the fact that this really isn't my home. I mean, I'll always have a home here, and it was my home for years before, but now, my home is up at school.
Friends here mean the world to me, and they'll be with me forever. But right now, after years of leading a boring suburban life, it's time for me to start leading a boring semi-urban life. I need people around, people I want to talk to, people I want to spend time with, and I don't want to have to drive to go see them.
Lyn summed it up nicely...
ondine/lyn: I believe that 589 (tm) of our 900+ shared customers use their logs in some fashion, going by email queries, hits and jcn's butt.
So here I am, awake again. My driveway playing babysitter for a friend's car. She should be getting back at some point. But I don't know when. And I don't know if they've gotten lost, or if they've been trying to call, or what. I've been on the modem.
Also trying to get in touch with a friend that I'm going down to PC Expo with tomorrow. But he doesn't have call waiting, and the phone's been busy all night. The only explanation that I can come up with is that the phone's off the hook and he doesn't know it. That better be the case or I'll kill him.
Been trying to listen to the Weird Al cd that I got from my sister, but that wasn't working either. Just not in the right mood. Seems the way things are going on around here.
Trying to come up with something to write, which just hasn't happened lately. Still, the words aren't coming to me. I have found, however, that I have some new ideas. Ideas are good. Normally, if I can find and idea I can nurture it, I can play with it, and it can turn into a full grown thought. Most of the time.
We'll have to play with a few of these and see what happens with them.
My mother's been complaining that I haven't been doing anything lately. I've just been sitting on my ass watching tv. Not helping, not doing anything. It's true. In fact, as I was sitting, watching tv earlier, I realized that I wasn't really doing anything. I wasn't getting anything out of it, but I couldn't stop watching. I was thinking about reading, but I just couldn't motivate myself to get up and get out of the kitchen. It was as if the gods of killing brain cells had strapped me into that chair and damned if they were going to let me out.
Of course it's probably better that they don't let me out. Nice thing about suburbs, see. I smell a skunk outside.
My friends just showed up, picked up their cars and are off again, off on a three hour drive back to school. Or for them, home. Perhaps for me as well. Home.
But enough talk about things that aren't going to change in the near future. Besides, seeing as I have to get up early tomorrow, I don't want to fall asleep on my bed fully clothed only to wake up four hours later to find the connection still alive and nothing written like I did last night.
I'm going to see if I can revive my connection (because somewhere along the line the connection tonight really sucks) and upload this sucker.
Stupid internet.
all set... toodles
Writing is a very interesting thing for me. Right now, I'm pretty motivated to write. I want to write, and there are a bunch of ideas kicking around in my head. But i just can't seem to get them out into words. I have a lot of feelings pent up inside that I just can't let out. I've talked about it with a friend, but when it comes time to put them down, I just can't get it.
Frustrating. And I keep working myself into it.
I keep thinking that I don't have anything to write, that I can't write anything right now, and it just comes back and bites me in the ass. Damn those self-fulfilling prophecies.
And I really don't have anyone to blame but myself...
Also, I just realized what a different time summer is for me. Especially this summer, since i haven't really had anything to do yet. I've had to busy myself with reading, cleaning my room, doing chores around the house. But nothing really productive. Even last summer, when I was doing the whole corporate thing, at least there I knew that I had something to do. I think I miss the routine.
I have plans to go back up to school for a day or so at some point, but I realize that while there probably wouldn't be any problems once I got back up there, I'm home for the summer, and this is my place for now. Going back up to school, where people all have their own projects would be, in my mind, an intrusion. To a place that I don't belong, at least while i don't live there any more.
Silly, when I think through it logically. All those people are my friends, but in a sense, I feel that same as if I was going up to visit complete strangers. Does this say something about the nature of the friendships, or just of my own perceptions of everything?
Does it mean that the friendships, if not constantly fed by contact and proximity will just die *snap* like that? I sure hope not.
Actually, I'm pretty sure this is just a result of a mind having nowhere to go. I've got to get up and do something interest. Need me some projects. Or something.
Just get off my ass.
Sleepy.
At this point, I normally go over to my bed to try to convince myself that I'm just going to lie down for a few minutes and end up waking up hours later with the computer still on, midway through whatever it was that I was doing at the time.
My life may be boring as hell, but at least I got out and I did something fun today. First of all, we got the second phone line run to the house, which will solve a lot of the problems that we've been having with me and the modem and all that stuff. That wasn't the highlight of the day, though it was pretty exciting.
Went to Friendly's for ice cream (well, actually I got a fribble, but whatever) with my two best friends from high school. And we just talked. Talked about computers, talked about tetnus shots, talked about the internet. But we were together again, and that was really cool.
Of course gooberhead is going off to romp in the woods for the next few months to leave us alone in suburbia, but he's promised to keep in touch. Damn well better.
At this point again I start to wonder what's going to happen after college when we all go our separate ways. This is also the point where I slap myself silly because it's just not worth worrying about these days. Time to start living life the way it comes and not the way it might, could or should have been.
This is also the point where I fall asleep on my keyboard and wake up hours later with the imprint of the home row across my forehead.
Starting work on monday should get me out of this slump. It'll at least get me out and moving around instead of sitting around on my ass all day. I'm sick of being cooped up, but I really don't have the motivation to get up and go do something.
That's not to say I haven't been doing anything. But chores get tedious, which is why, presumably, they call them chores. Things have to get done, sure, but I'm still used to being up at school where anything that I had to do was for me. Selfish, sure, but at least I knew what was going on. When something had to get done, I knew it had to get done. I was in control. I suppose that's all it is. A control thing.
Control? what the hell am I talking about? Whatever.
I also don't know what's going on with my friends. Problem is that back home, there really aren't too many people that I do anything with. I've pretty much lost touch with everyone that I knew in high school. Granted I didn't really have much more that "Hey, how's it going" retorical kinds of relationships with people in high school, but still, it annoys me that I really don't know anyone any more.
I suppose it really wouldn't be too hard for me to call any random person up, to talk, or to get together. After all, I knew these people, it's not as if they are stranges. But really, what would I say? What would we do? Maybe I need a party.
What am I saying? *smack*
I don't know. I have this strange urge to be social. And yet, at the smae time, I want to just disappear. Blend into the woodwork. I want things to be normal. And for me, right now in my life, normal is my life back up at school.
Problem there is that most of my friends are actually up at school. Not a bad deal. I can go back there and slip right back into things. But it all gets back to these fears I have of being left out of things. Me being down here, them being up there. I'm missing out on bits of life that everyone's living.
And it wouldn't be so bad if it was like last summer where everyone was spread out, home. But since everyone's back up there (and of course i'm using the ter "everyone" very loosely here), then I'm the odd man out. And again, it wouldn't be that bad, but I really don't have anything to do here.
Of course, this paints much worse of a picture than what's really going on. I do have things to keep myself busy. And most of this writing is just the result of being tired and lonely. But it's got to come out some time. At least it's only once a day.
Besides, tomorrow I get to go to the mall with my sister and mother.
To buy pants.
Things don't get any more exciting than this...
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