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sunday, december 21, 1997, 06:02

I am tired. At least the sun hasn't started rising yet. I've been awake all night cleaning, packing, and basically doing everything else that has to be done before i go home for break. It's a weird feeling, knowing that less that 12 hours from now, I'll be back at my house. You know, the place I grew up.

Actually, even stranger, is that in 12 hours I'll be working in a theatre doing a load-out and having people I haven't seen for a couple of years aske me how everything is. How school is. What I've been up to. All those things that people ask when they haven't seen you in a couple of years.

And I'm going to get to see my old friends. The ones I care about. And ones that I probably didn't know well enough in high school. And, horror of horrors, I think I'm even going to let my two worlds collide and hang out with some college friends over break. Exciting, eh?

That's what I thought.

As for school, well, it's done for now. I have one month in which to do the things that I want, without having to worry about classes and those silly things. Sure, I'll be coming back here to do theatre-y type things, but again, that's things that I want to do.

Working on what to do this summer. still kicking the california idea around. Last chance and all to get out there before the real thing. Hopein.

Looking back on it, I can't tell whether this semester's flown by, or whether it's been creeping by and I just haven't noticed, me being biased and all since it's the end of the semester and i can easily look back and say "duh, this thing just flew by." I think it's more that as school moves on, it becomes easier, or at least seems to.

It was pointed out to me that we have a year and half, one summer, left of college before the real world. Friend of mine is going out to Seattle for next semester. Just up and going. She can't deal with the school any more. The whole scene.

I'm going to miss her.

Even though we didn't spend much time together durning the semester, she's the kind of friend that I will miss if i don't see her for a couple of months. It's going to be strange.

Must be nice for her though. It's almost like a training-real life. Just as training wheels help you before you go to your two wheeler, training real life helps you out by letting you try real life once before you decide whether what's going to happen for real.

I just don't think i could deal with the whole "going goodbye, going off, and then knowing that i had to come back.

I'm too tired to think any more.

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeep.

monday, december 22, 1997, 04:47

talk about non-ergonomic. I'm sitting here, on the floor, on the laptop, typing. My hands are gonna get so busted up.

Whatever.

I've been home not 24 hours and already i've spent more time in the theatre than i have in my house. Fun stuff. Went to load out a production of A Christmas Carol which had been put up by the theatre company for which i used to work. Boy, that sentence sucked. Anyway, this is the company that gave me my start, my first professional theatre experience. And I have lots of friend there.

Nothing has changed. It's really weird. I've changed. And Mike's changed. But we've both gone to college. Going back there, it seems like everyone else is in some sort of alternate universe. People have gotten older (it seems), and they should have matured some (after all, a lot of the people that I worked with were kids), but they didn't. They were really the exact same as they were before.

I don't know what i think about that. maybe it's to be expected. Three years really ins't going to change a person significantly, especially going through high school (or those adult-type people, for that matter). Perhaps the only reason I've chaged is because i've been through big changes in my life. Maybe it's to be expected that nobody else really exhibited any noticible change. and yet.

Yet i feel so old. And I felt badly that I was looking at these people, three or so years younger than I am, as so distant. Maybe it's because i expect people to be like me.

It's better that they're not.

I couldn't deal with any more of me.

(you'll have to excuse the weirdness of this another. i'm suffering from some sever culture/home shock.)

tuesday, december 23, 1997, 00:26

the left shift key doesn't work on this keyboard. oh well.

back at home, and i really should do some of the things that i told myself that i was going to do this break. like get some reading done. that would be pretty exciting.

i did go back to my high school today, which was an experience. i ended up i was also told that k feeling so old. i actually said "that wasn't 7 years ago, that was my freshman year." and then i realized that i've been out of school for two and a half years now. really put everything into perspective.

talking today again about life, and what's going to happen when this fake life starts and real life kicks in. my friend seems to think that i should make a life plan. prioritize my life, have goals, know where i want to go.

i don't think i can do that. i know where i don't want to be, or at least i thought i did. thinking today, i think that some sort of coding job would be interesting, as long as i didn't work for a big corporation. working for myself, or with a team of my friends, coding might be okay for a job. and there's still all the sysadmin or web stuff that i could be doing.

but the fields that i am interested are shifting so rapidly that i don't think that it's reasonable to come up with plans now. i don't know that i have a problem letting life do what it will with me, as long as i am able to swim against the current if need be.

i can't swim this time. i'm about to fall asleep in my wrist rest again.

sleep.

wednesday, december 24, 1997, 18:30

memories evoked:

some sort of fair. it was a chinese school thing, for one of my friends. don't really know what brought this up. oh, wait, yes i do. I was staring at the christmas tree, and I saw a Road Runner ornament. At this fair thing, we would play games for tickets and then would trade the tickets in for prizes. The big thing among my friends was getting little loony toons characters with those tickets. And for some reason, this makes me sad. Just thinking about the past is making me sad.

Sitting downstairs, listening to christmas carols. This should be a happy time. I'm home for the holidays. I'm back with my family. And yet. I should be with the people that I really care about these days.

No, that's not right. I am with the people that I really care about. However, I am not with the people that are a part of my life. My family is great. and I appreciate them, and I enjoy being here. But these aren't the people that I'm living with now, these aren't the people that I interact with every day.

Christmas is a strange time of year. Every year seems less and less like Christmas. Maybe it's because I get home later and later every year. Maybe it's because the house is a little less Christmas-y every year. Or maybe it's just because I've lost the anticipation that I once had for christmas day.

It's time for a christmas dinner now. Let's see what happens.

friday, december 26, 1997, 01:36

Yay christmas. Got over those holiday blues this morning when I woke up and regressed into a 4 year old, tugging at my father's sheets, trying to get him out of bed so we could go down and open presents.

presents. a new discman since the old one was pretty much crap, a few new shirts, a scarf, a really cool pendant, a pocket watch, and a couple of cds from my sister.

I realized how christmas is not at all about religion to me when I asked my friend if she was celebrating christmas, and was really confused when she told me that she wasn't. It didn't even occur to me that jews just don't celebrate christmas. I have always just seen it as a time of year when i get to see my family, both sides of it, to trade gifts and hugs and stuff. And get reminded that my aunt still thinks that I'm 10 years old, but it's the thought that counts, right?

This vacation thing is weird for me. I haven't really gotten to do the things that I want to do because when I think that I'm all ready to do so, I either start watching tv or my dad wants me to help move furniture. That, and I keep telling myself that I have plenty of time, which, I know from experience, I don't.

Maybe it's just that this whole christmas thing has gotten in the way, and that I don't feel that I can do things because i have all these other plans. Unfortunate, really, since once new years rolls around, it's going to be about a week before i go back to school.

Strange how a vacation can be so frustrating.

And tiring. I'm falling asleep a lot. Which is good I guess, since I've got to catch up from the last semester. And build up for the next.

This is pretty much boring. But that's the point of taking a break, right?

Uhhh, sure.

saturday, december 27, 1997, 02:11

Tomorrow. An adventure? At least something to do, I hope.

Did the family thing today, which was nice, but there's really nothing to say about it. Been writing for untergrund tonight. Should have have been working on my own stuff but didn't fell motivated. Don't know if the writin went too well. Going to let it sit for a night, read over it again before i submit it.

Also have to wonder about tomorrow night, whether my high school and college friends should meet up with each other, or whether it's safer to keep the two worlds apart.

We'll see.

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