another kind of me

Think of them as thoughtlets.
(but what are they really?)

For the week of december 7, 1997

sunday, december 7, 1997, 05:35

Trainspotting is not a movie you watch with your mother.
Luckily, mine figured this out about 10 minutes into it.
My mother and sister are up visiting. Here to see a show that I designed lights for. First one they've come to see in two and a half years. Not my best work, but i'm glad they were able to come and see it. And me. And to bring me a tv antenna. This means that I now get the WB. Which means that I can now watch Buffy.
This makes me happy.
What doesn't make me happy is the amount of work I have to do, but considering I took time off today to watch movie, I really have nothing to complain about.

wednesday, december 10, 1997, 20:55

The most beautiful sound is that of snowflakes falling through and onto dried leaves.
Of course, that will inevitably turn into one of the more annoying sounds of cars driving through puddles of slush. But really, it's a trade-off.
It's snowing here now. And I'm not sure if it's the snow, or the fact that I've messed up my sleep patterns over the past few days, or the fact that it's just been getting darker and darker earlier and earlier, or knowing that the funds for the theatre get frozen tomorrow for the rest of the semester, or knowing that I'm going to be going home in less than two weeks, or a combination of the above, or nothing at all, but I feel shitty.
Well, actually, that's not true. Shitty would imply that I feel something. i really don't feel much of anything. I'm sitting here, just turned my light out so i can see the snow better, listening to some orf. And not feeling.
00:44. Back 4 hours later. And still haven't gotten any work done. My nails are a nice shade of purple, but i did a really bad job with them. Yeah. Just that kind of day.
Had a nice conversation with a friend from home. Russell called me, just to talk. Which was really cool. Talked about friends from home, life at school, all that. And as i sit here typing this, I think back to high school. The peoplt that I knew. The people that I didn't know. The people that I would have liked to have become better friends with. The person I was. The person I am now.
Do I feel more grown up now? Am I? I'm sure I've changed. Probably gotten more bitter in the last few years. Though I'm not really sure. I honestly don't remember too much of high school, except that I did have fun. Although, thinking back, not as much fun as maybe I should have. But i know I've talked about this already. Just one of those things that keeps coming up I guess. Like the fact that I'm over halfway through my college career, and I don't know how much of that whole college experience I've had. Or how much I've supposed to have had. Or how much I'm going to have. Or if I'm on track at all. Or not. If I'm learning what I'm supposed to be learning for the rest of my life. Or if it even matters.
I'm sure that the Real World is so different from this place anyway that when I get out there, what I know now will hardly even apply. On the other hand, i'm probably gaining some experience in there somewhere.
Which then leads me to think about whether or not I really want all this preparation for the outside now, or whether i should be a kid for as long as I can, since there's the rest of my life to be an adult, or at least, not a college student (since i'm most definitely not one of those "perepetual student" types).
It's stopped snowing now. It's all just slushy.
Time to get started on that paper. Plenty of time. What? Over 12 hours. Not a problem.
Do they have papers in the real world?
More preparation I guess...

friday, december 12, 1997, 17:56

It's been one of those days. More specifically, it's that one day when everything hit the fan. Or at least large portions of it.
Not sleeping well last night was the first indication that something was going to go wrong. Well, that, and going to speak to our potential landlord for next year who has been jerking us around for the last month or so, only to find that the apartment we were looking at is gone. Of course.
So I didn't sleep well last night. Which was in part because, and in part why, I didn't study too well for my final this morning. Also led to the fact, I would imagine, that I'm not going to do very well on this exam.
I've still got this cs program to write. This project, which has been lingering over my head ever since that show that I was working on way back, like two weeks ago. Yeah, this project still isn't done, and i'm still working on it. Which means that I've got to put off those papers that I have to write, which were also due this week (but at least those I've gotten extensions on).
All because of the theatre. I'm sure the parents are thrilled to hear about this. But the truth of the matter is that the theatre is the only thing that's keeping me sane these days, and it's one of the only things that I'm enjoying right now.
Oh, right. Also because of my lack of sleep I fell asleep this afternoon after having lugged 90 feet of steel pipe and a butt-ugly yellow love seat to the theatre. Oh, the things that I'll do.
Okay. I feel a lot better now.
Back to that cs project. It'll get done.
Eventually.
...
And let's see. I got email today from someone who told me that I should be more optimistic on these pages. The hell I should. This is my spot. My own personal place to bitch at the world. And make myself feel better. I try to go out in the world and be all bitchy and people talk at me. People tell me that I'm killing their collective buzz. That I should be happier. That I should put on a face, put on an act so society can function normally.
Fuck that.
Oh, and now that these pages are no longer banned from my high school, I can say fuck here and high school students will get exposed to bad words.
Heheh. That gives me some sort of stupid thrill.