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tuesday, september 2, 1997, 00:52

Unfortunately, there's really nothing that i can say that'll make this browsing experience any beter for you, the reader. You. That's funny. There's an audience. An invisible audience. Of course that's not entirely true either, since at least one audience member is lying down on my floor (face down in the bean bags).

And it makes me really think about what i talk about in here. Especially since i'm now living with a lot of the people that i often talk about. Last year, it was different. I would go somewhere, then come home, then talk about ... "there."

But now, "there" is actually "here" and there's really nowhere to go.

I've gotten email recently from an individual asking me about why i do my thinking on the web. He told me that it was interesting, but that he really didn't need to hear about it, and perhaps it was a way for me to get attention, or something similar.

Well duh.

Actually, that's not all of it. Another theory that's been hashed out by a friend (friend? what is a friend any more? what's more than a friend? less? hard to say when you're a social nutball) is that the real issue here is that most of society functions on a level of "hey, how was your summer? where did you go? what did you do? how's your pet armadillo?" and all that.

And it ends right there.

This, with no real societal representation, gets me past that initial level of shallowness. And down to another level. But that's a different story.

These are things that don't normally come up in conversation. Things that really aren't supposed to come up in conversation.

Well, here they are.

Boo.

Getting a lot of shit about how the other suite across the hall is "1000 times superior to ours." And of course it's all in fun, or should be taken as such unless i'm a pathetic loser who can't differentiate between a character judgment and the critique of suite furnishings. And yet, hearing this got to me.

I don't particularly care for confrontation, competition, or anything else of that nature. They disturb me.

And yet i always seem to turn situations into such things. And even worse, it seems like I do it just so i can feel sorry for myself.

Inferiority complex? Perhaps. Maybe I'm just a needy person and can't admit that to myself. I alienate people, and yet i feel that i want them closer.

Can't have it both ways, bucko.

saturday, september 6, 1997, 04:23

Thinking in specifics, expressing in abstracts. After all, this is my life, and people don't really care too much about what happens to me here, they only care that what's happened to themselves in their own lives has actually happened to somebody else.

To know that one's own situation is not unique seems very important to people.

Oh, right. If the other person's life sucks more than your's does, all the better.

Dog collar's digging into my neck...

Much better.

Not a bad night, but realizations come about. Though probably not anything I'm going to fix, because I'm more afraid of the consequences than of the actual issues.

Some classes to be had. Those are still in a state of flux, and I really don't know what's going on with them anyway, but I've been pretty much putting those off on the back-burner, not wanting to deal, it'll all work itself out in the end area of my mind.

Must write quickly before the words get too abstract, the vision too blurry, the brain too clouded.

Because i don't conform to the social niceties that everyone in society feels they should, or at least, because I don't conform to them in a boring manner, people think I'm obnoxious. That's all there is to it. See, others have a gift of being offensive and funny, and thus, while shunnign all social convention (read: bullshit), gaining their own niche in society. They carve their own little nooks, and people accept that. I, on the other hand, don't have these talents, and merely am seen the way others want to see me.

09:30

This is one comfy-ass couch.

As the last sounds of summer insects buzz in my suite, I think vaguely of last night. And realize that I can't really remember too much. What's there? There's a party. A rather fun one at that. There's tromping out to show Fargo at the midnight show. There's going off afterwards and hanging out in the office, comfy chairs, counting money (realizing that they really probably shouldn't have let me pass math). Grabbing some food.

Coming home.

Being there, yet not really being there. The big ball of electricity hyptnotizing, or seemingly so. Being completely in tune with the world, and yet completely out of touch. Not knowing what to do, what to say, who to be.

My own self being seemingly too boring for the conversation at hand. I mean, granted, the conversation was just about music, but me, growing up in the cultural bubble that consisted of Blues Traveler and Dave Mathews Band in suburban New York, am not quite as well versed in the likes of Whale and Ween. To sit there, not being able to say anything, because damn near anything that would come out of my mouth would be either irrelevant or make me a complete tool, was rather painful.

And awkward.

Hate not having anything in common with the people I'm around. My friends. To be sure. But what the hell?

It's lonely knowing that you don't have anything to say.

Oh, right, free TMBG show in boston today. 'Course i'm going to be in the theatre, but what the hell, it's life. My life. Muahahhah.

thursday, september 11, 1997, 03:11

How I long for the days that I didn't have anything to do. How I long for the days when I had time to do my laundry. The days when I could sit around and work on writing useless programs just for my own amusement. When I could work on my webpage beyond the content aspect.

Those days are gone for a bit. I can hardly keep track of my schedule now, with all that I have to do. I'm still not back in the swing of the school thing, and this awful thing that keeps me from being able to keep my balance isn't helping things too much. Not that I have time to get that checked out either.

Soon enough. Soon enough.

I should be sleeping now. I could sleep until noon tomorrow, if I wanted to, but for the first time in my college career, I'm doing something just for the sake of learning. I'm going to the music class that I didn't get into (not that i'm bitter or anything). It's fun. It's interesting. It's all about learning. And while I won't get to do anything of the actual doing, I'll be learning. And that's a step.

Other big project of the moment. Try to convince people that I really don't hate them. Convince people that just because i'm not bubbly and happy all the time doesn't mean that I'm not a happy person. It just means that most of the time I'm living inside my head and can't be bothered to come out for a bit.

Smile more. That's probably the key. We'll see what happens.

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