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sunday, august 24, 1997, 23:34

dunno, this email that i just sent to a friend seems appropriate, seeing as the next time i wake up, it'll be my last day before the start of a new semester. A semester which marks the end of a summer which marks the middle of my college experience.

Date: Sun, 24 Aug 1997 23:12:43 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jesse Chan-Norris <jcn@brown.edu>
To: David Siniscalchi <David_Siniscalchi@brown.edu>

Yeah, i think that i've basically decided for myself that I'm going to make damn sure that all the "fun" things that i missed out on high school aren't going to pass me by. I spent all of high school working, every weekend was spent at the theatre.

Now, don't get me wrong, I loved those times. Almost everything about the theatre that I know now was learned in that place. But it did mean missing out on a lot of friendships, a lot of hanging out and being in high school type stuff.

Now that I know what I know, i don't regret doing what i did, and i'm glad that i had that experience to help me along in school now. i get to teach people what i know, and it's worth all the missed times from high school.

but i also know that i've had that experience, and now i want time to myself, i want fun time, i want time to hang out, to get to know people not because i work with them, but because i've hung out in their room and watched movies and stayed up all night talking to them.

i have this dreadful feeling that once i get out of college, it's going to be back to work, having to have to schedule fun, relaxation times. and i don't want to miss out on just having people around to do things with again.

i will worry about what the future will bring me, where i will bring myself in the future, but i won't let it get in the way of my present.

i'm not going to look back on these years and say, you know, i really wish i had spent more time working and less time just trying to be.

how profound. i don't think that'll really make much sense when i read this over again, but those are the words that came out, and i think you get the point.

i'll be back in town on tuesday. how weird.

jcn

Oh right. i also just finished watching The Last of the Mohicans, the 1992 version with Daniel Day Lewis. Really enjoyable. it's got love, it's got blood and guts. all that good stuff, and a kick-ass score to boot.

when i was watching it there was a lot more i had wanted to say about it. i guess there really is nothing for me to say. it's one of those movies that gives me chills at certain scenes when i'm watching. like when Hawkeye and Chingachgook and tearing up the side of the mountain afer Magua's just killed Uncas and the music's going and the just keep running and picking up guns and running and kicking all sorts of ass.

Chills. Just get chills. Bunch of musicals do that to me too. Not exactly sure what it is. Some weird emotion coming back from somewhere. Music's funny like that.

Has a way of bringing back memories and bubbling up emotions you never knew were in you.

thursday, august 28, 1997, 06:39

So the last thing I remember thinking was, "boy, this game of mario 3 is probably going to last a long time..."

Followed immediately by, "these beanbag chairs are reeeaaaallllyyyy comfy."

The rest is history.

Next thing i know, i wake up, everyone else is gone, i'm face-down in a beanbag chair, and it's cold.

Time for bed.

friday, august 29, 1997, 03:39

Was thinkning that I actually might have done a whole lot of stuff today, but just now realized that what I was thinking of was yesterday. Funny how time just seems to flow together like that when you don't have a set schedule.

Which i don't.

Finding out about work on monday. Classes don't start until tuesday. Theatre stuff's just about the only thing that's going on now.

And, for some reason, it's been very difficult for me to motivate myself to do any of my own projects. Probably because I don't have to right now. I've got plans. I had plans. Things to do over the summer that never got done.

Some sort of course for new techies in the theatre. Maybe i'll try to work on that. But, really, who am i to try to teach common sense? That's really all there is to teach in any sort of course like that. Most of the learning in the theatre is done by doing. But I want to make sure that none of that doing will end in people dying. Those theatres can be pretty wacky like that. Losing fingers. Electrocution.

Maybe I'll just spend some time in the theatre. Get back into the zone. There's this theatre zone that I get into when I work there, just like there's a cs zone that i (try to) get into when I'm coding, though i've found that the theatre thing is a lot more enjoyable than the cs thing.

But maybe I'll just go back, see if things come back to me. Things that I wanted to teach but can't remember right now. Things that jump out at me as things that i should teach.

I feel pretty damn useless right now. That's basically what has prompted all of this thinking of teaching. Everyone else around here has their research, or TA stuff. Or mentoring. Or advising. Or something. That's what it seems like. For me, to be doing theatre, it just doesn't seem to count for anything.

Five of these kids belong together. Five of these kids are kinda the same. But one of these kids is doin' his own thing. Now it's time to play our game.

It's time to play our game.

Yeah, theatre boy is feeling like a slacker again. Problem is that I really don't want to get off my ass to do anything about it. It's nice not having commitments, not having to do things. It's nice, and yet, at the same time, there's an awful feeling of emptiness that goes along with it.

Especially in this atmosphere of "work 'till you drop," a slacker's life is a lonely one.

Especially when the "work 'till you drop" mentality is sitting in my head.

When I know that I should be doing work, should be getting the most out of this time, etc.

I know that i like the idea of being so busy i could puke. Comfort in not ever having to think, always just going.

But actually being in that state.

Not fun at all.

---

as an aside. the suite's looking really nice. Got the 386 sitting on the fridge in the common room, so i can sit on the couch and do me some writing. Ergonomics? We don't need no steenkin' ergo.

And the roomie is asleep on the beanbag chairs behind me. snoring.

gotta love it.

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