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the old stuff
For the week of april 27, 1997
My brain is empty. There is so much i want to talk about here, so much i want to write, and yet, when it comes to putting it all down, i don't remember any of it. And i'm tired. This may work to my advantage though, and all the things that I don't want to say in real life may come flowing out in this state of sleepiness.
Or maybe not. Trouble keeping the eyes open. Maybe i can fake it. Maybe not. Get to show a friend of mine around the theatre tomorrow. I miss the theatre. Haven't been there in the last few days.
There's a big dork standing in front of me. I don't mean the cool type of dork. You know, the partially socially inept, yet strangely endearing, cs major type. No, instead, this is the tall, gawky, real-big-dork (tm) type of person who wouldn't know tact from a hole in his ass.
That's what I see all around me. That's really bad. Stereotype abound. I just find it amazing the type of people that computer science seems to attract. Is it that computer science attracts the dorks, or do the dorks just happen to be good at cs? Or is it both? Where does the stigma come from? And why is it that the potentially "social" aspects of cs, the parts where you actually have to deal with people, are considered not to be anything worthwhile, and should only be reserved for morons who can't do anything else?
And why do I care so much about what people think? Why do I care so much if this person doesn't want to tell me the "secrets" to what they're doing at the time. Why do I care that when I do my web stuff, when I'm playing (as it's seen), they think i'm an idiot?
Why do i care so much what others think of me?
and what prompted all of this? I really don't know.
Actually, do I really care? I guess it's more the extent to which people around here are so exclusionary. How people around here really like their little clubs, like their little groups. Don't like to let anyone else in. Don't like to share.
I know. Poor whiny baby. Whatever. I've decided that I miss theatre (which i believe was what prompted all of this). But the truth of the matter is that cs people and theatre people have to deal with much of the problem solving, thinking processes as each other.
But, i've found, in general, the theatre people are much more willing to work together, as opposed what the cs people do, which is work with other people. A subtle difference there, that i'm not sure i've captured correctly.
I'll be back in the theatre soon enough.
I swear, the breaking of the night into day will never cease to amaze me. Just looked out my window for the first time in a while, and the sky is already starting to glow a light blue. As I sit here, listening to the hum of my computer, the rest of the world slowly, oh so slowly, decides that it's about time to start to get going.
Okay, well maybe not for a couple of hours now.
There was a great deal of excitement about campus tonight as the power company lost part of campus at about 1:30 this morning. I was just walking home after strike after going to get credit after hanging out at sarah's for a bit, and ran into a friend.
"Did you hear? There's no power in the comptuer center and there's someone trapped in the elevator."
Whatever. Got there, helped clean out the lab, left. Went over to the non-cs clusters. Told the consultants that it'd probably be a good idea to shut off their computers, lest they get hit with surges on the way back up. You know, you'd think they'd teach these people a little more. After all, they get paid more than I do, you'd think...
Not that I'm bitter or anything.
Then a bunch of us went walking around campus, to a part of it that was completely blacked out. Strange. No street lights. No dorm lights. No nothin' other that some random emergency lighting here and there.
There are going to be a lot missed classes today.
mmm, the sky's now turning that shade of pale orange around the horizon.
Strange how things seem a lot more fun when there are lights out. In fact, any situation that's out of the ordinary seems to get people up and going and doing things. Just an excuse? "Oh. There are no lights. Let's go walk around in places where there are no lights." I don't know. Human nature is a very strange thing. I won't even begin to understand it.
I think it's time to get back to work now. Mmm... coding.
Coding. Whatever. Finally got back into the theatre thing tonight. Got the call. Went to strike. Sat around waited for the show to finish. Started doing the strike. About a 10th of the people there working. The others singing / dancing / double dutching / talking / meeting / schmoozing / god knows what else. Suffice it to say that it was one of those nights that I just wish everyone would go away because honestly, having people there (at least most of the people) was more of a hinderance than a help.
People want strikes to be fun. Taking down the set. Lot's of people getting together. Many times for one last time. It's a big party.
And yet. At the same time. There sitll has to be work done. So that's that.
But how do you tell someone that they have to either work or leave? After all, they're giving you their time to work. So asking them to leave would be rude.
Damn people. Can't live wit 'em. Can't live with 'em.
This page is the only way i can keep track of my life these days. So much time awake. Falling asleep at random times in the day. When i'm tired. When i crash. Woke up this morning (err, yesterday) at about 7:00 am. That was interesting. Got to work on my math homework.
And i'm still awake. In the lab. Where else? And why am i still awake? It's because i have a really hard time getting going with this work. Oh, well, have to go to dinner. have to get some audio cables. have to write this script. Gee, maybe i'll take a walk around the atrium. Anything to procrastinate. Though i did get a lot of work done today.
That still doesn't explain this phenomenon. there's something strange, and special, about computer science that would lend itself so well to being a "people" type of a ... (damn vocabulary) thing. If people would only care to interact with other people. After all, people in this department spend an obscene number of hours.
Not even like labs. other science labs, you're together for a whole bunch of hours. but here, you're together all the time. all the time. people come here when they have nothing better to do. (okay, granted, those people are really big dorks, but...)
Also, been noticing these day (again), that i really miss being important. miss being a ta. miss having power. that's it. i miss the power. the power to warp the minds of others. i get that in the theatre. people respect what i have to say. i know what i'm talking about there. people come to me for help.
I need that in all areas of my life. and i'm just not getting it.
I realize that it'll never happen, but at least it's something to strive for. of course, in striving, will i ever really be happy with the state that i'm in at the moment.
life's a real crapshoot that way.
narf.
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