I seem to be spending a lot of time these days telling myself that I'm going to start over, that I'm going to learn to "seize the day," learn to just take life as it is dealt out to me (and all that other bullshit). I spend a lot of time telling myself that i would be a whole lot happier if i stopped dwelling on things.
Doesn't quite work. Instead, i'm back to my old self. Who am i fooling "back?" I never went anywhere. Instead, I'm still my old self. The self who is afraid to do anything different. Afraid to do anything that might draw any attention.
The problem is that i really don't know what i can do to change it. obviously, just willing it into place won't do it. But other than that, I don't know what there is. An outside force pushing me into things. That's what I really need. And where am i going to find that?
I'm stuck in my clique of friends. Hard to get out of habits. Not saying it's a bad thing, by any means. My friends are great, but. But what? Need there be anything more? Not at all. And yet i am stuck with this feeling that i want more. Of course who am i fooling. I already have friends of the type that i think i want. Obviously i really don't want that life.
It's weird. When I'm out at a party, I'm thinking of places I'd rather be. If i'm not out being social, i often wish i was. I suppose it's natural to want something you don't have.
blah blah blah. somebody kick some sense into me, please.
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