I must start by stating that I hate this monitor that I'm working on right now.So, all this thinking about why I do the things I do. Why I do theatre. All the stuff I did in high school. The things I do now. I've got myself convinced that it's all for the reaction of the audience. It's for what I see in them. The joy, sorrow, or whatever the reaction they get from the work that I do.
That's what I'd like for myself to believe. I don't know if it's entirely true anymore. I was watching MTV tonight and found myself feeling left out of something. Crazy, right? Left out of what? This is MTV, absolutely no relevance in my life. But it all becomes clear to me now. This is all my way of getting attention. It's not so much direct attenction, as that would scare an INFP like myself. Strangely enough, i seem to be an introvert with a high need for attention. Which can cause problems at times. What am i to do?
Obviously, I do things that will get attention, and in the process, I myself get some of that such sought after attention without having to be in the spotlight. People still see what I do, and they recognize that it was done. That it was done by me is unimportant, I think. What is truly important is that it exists at all in the minds of the intended audience. At that moment, I have received all the attention I need.
I also like to be a part of things, probably not so much for being a part, as much as not being apart. If that makes any sense at all. If I'm not involved in something, then I can't look at an audience reaction and say "I did that." I have to accept the fact that someone else did it. And this is very hard for me. So, by doing everything, I can pretty much guarantee that I have an affect (effect? I dunno.) on everyone's life.
Or, at least, I fool myself into thinking so.
But in the end, what more is there?
[ last thought | back to thoughts | next thought ]