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thursday, april 23, 1998, 02:14 I am completely out of it. I haven't been able to form coherent thoughts lately, and I'm still pretty bummed out about that whole show thing. The show just didn't turn out right, and I've been dwelling on it, looking at it and knowing that I did so much wrong and knowing that I could do better, but at the same time questioning my own abilities and wondering whether I can really design anyway, or whether the few good light plots that I've ever done were just flukes. It's quite a frustrating feeling. Not only that, but I have these two dance shows that I have to design that I haven't gotten a chance to even watch because I've been too busy with this other shit and now I've got tech coming up and I've got to talk to the choreographers and argh. I fucked up the end up this semester real good, eh boss? Bah. I guess the big problem these days, which has really been brought to my attention because of all the shit that's going on, is that I'm really lonely. Lonley in that I want someone who can just look at me and see that I'm upset and want to comfort me. Not just that this person will try to comfort me, but that they will really want to. The problem is that I've been bitching an awful lot to my friends for the sole reason that I want people to care about me, and I want some sympathy. Yeah, I'm a bitch. Whatever. It's not so wrong, at least in my head, to want some sympathy. To want to have people care about what I'm going through, to actually want me to feel better. And I suppose I'm just being selfish because everyone else is probably going through the same things, and I'm sure that I'm not the most caring person in the world, but still... Bah, there I go again. My mom also just sent up the cd that was pressed from the show that I worked on last summer. And I've been listening to it for the last three days. And now I'm getting all worked up because I'm remember all the fun that I had working on the show and all of my friends that I see once a year and knowing that I may not see them this year depending on what sort of things I'm doing over the summer. I hate being sad.
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