|
monday, april 20, 1998, 02:08
i feel like.
failure.
i hate that feeling. and i hate complaining. or rather, i like complaining, but i realize that i hate getting sympathy from people because it seems like people don't really care. i know they do. i just can't accept it. i'm designing the lights for a show that goes up on wednesday. the lights are shit. i'm not at all happy with them, and for the most part, the design is awful. i have to fix this. the problem comes from the fact that i have no time to do this. i haven't done laundry in weeks, i haven't done work for weeks, i haven't talked to anybody in weeks. i've ben having fun lately. when i should have been working i was out funning, and now it's back to bite me in the ass. and i can fix this. if i'm awake enough and if i have enough time. i'll never have enough time to fix everything that i want to, and this upsets me. but what worries me is not having enough time to fix the things that i have to in order to pull this show off. but most of all i hate making mistakes. i hate making so many mistakes that it would have been just as effective to scrap the entire project at that point and start over again. but that's clearly not an option either. so now i have to focus all of my energies on fixing everything. i am a perfectionist, but more than than just that, i know when the lighting looks bad, and i will not let myself put up a show that looks bad. it just means that i'll have to drive myself further into the ground. i can't Wait. and right now i'm not really looking at consequences. of not doing my work. of not talking to people. i don't want to deal with people these days. people who are not involved with the show don't mean anything in my head. and this is a bad thing. but i really just can't deal right now. and if i try to deal with any other people i will completely lose it. losing it. yeah. this morning i got up, part of my "jcn has to be in four places at once thing" and went over to set up a live webcast for a show on the main green the the record label was involved in. "we go until it rains..." was the official word. so the sound crew started to unload their road cases just as the first drops fell from the sky. a panicked morning trying to get computers in order for the webcast all for nothing for now show. but it was really just as well since by making the effort, it is clear that the cancelled webcast was not our fault, which is good for pr and the like. this should have been an omen. i didn't take it. wet tech rehearsal. realizing that the actors are not lit when i see them for the first time on the stage. i'll say i messed up. and now. late night in the lab. ugh, lab. sleep soon though i hope.
| sun |