Listening to the noises going on in my roommate's bed, I don't know which would be more disturbing, thinking that there's sex going on, or knowing that there isn't. Whatever. I've been trying to work. Well, at least thinking about trying to work, but it's too noisy in here to do much at all. That's okay. it's been toned down a bit now, and the soundtrack to The Piano is playing in the background. Peaceful.
"read it to me..." he said to me. i won't. there's something about being around when people i know are reading these that makes me uncomfortable. I suppose there's really no difference, but it's seeing the initial reaction that weirds me out at times.
"are you going to write mean stuff about me on the web?" he asks. what i write here is more about me than it is about anyone else. how i perceive the world, how it interacts with me. obviously. writing from first hand experience. So whatever i write here will be the truth (or some distorted version of my truth).
It was a strange night. Dinner out with friends. That was nice enough, then I met Radwin to go downtown to see a show. was actually quite good. spike produced it. saw some other stuff that he had done earlier in the semester. This was much better in comparrison. better acting. directing. staging. it was a quite enjoyable evening. even through the rain.
The rain tonight. I wish i could capture the sound, the air, what it smells like, what it feels like. so clean after the rain had died down. Hot and misty all day, and now, so nice, so cool. So new.
Was going to go see a movie at midnight, but talked to mike and just didn't feel like it any more. don't think it was him, per se, it was just that i needed to think some things out. So i left the room. I was hiding. I didn't want to be around when they called. When they would ask me if i wanted to go with them. I didn't want to have to say no. So I just didn't say anything.
i walked around for a while. It was nice. I got to think through things that were bothering me. think through things that weren't bothering me. it was the first time in a while when i just got to walk around look at what was going on around me, and just relax. It was a cop out. I planned my route so as not to get too close to the theatre, so there would be no chance that i would run into them.
lame.
but i really didn't feel like dealing tonight.
ended up calling mike when he got back from the club. talked for a long while. wow. a really long while. on the phone. I don't think we've ever done that before.
it was nice. really nothing more to say. 'night.
"Is is raining out there? It's raining in here too."
"In fact, it was raining all over the hundred acre woods. It rained and it rained and it rained."
Spring break is officially over, and the weather has a lovely way of reminding us all of this fact by opening up the skies and pouring down buckets of water from the heavens. A cleansing rain? I think not. Tis more of a "nyeah nyeah" type of a cold ickiness.
Me, i'm still on a break schedule, except for the fact that i had to wake up at 8:20 this morning for class. not a good thing when you're used to going to sleep at 5. and continue to do so.
Regardless, i'm up, i'm going, i'm back in the swing of things, and i have absolutely nothing to say. how strange. ah, yes, i was going to write about the wonders of spring and what it can do for love. was talking to a friend yesterday, and how spring really does bring out the lovey dovey emothional side of people, even if they don't want it.
it was beautiful out yesterday, the sun was shining, people were shedding their winter coats. that whole frisbee on the green thing. and it seemed like everyone was walking around with someone else on their arm. how sweet.
and now it's all crappy out, and there just doesn't seem to be anything to say about it. strange how environment and emotion are so closely tied to each other.
But that whole spring thing can really screw a person up. Was talking to danny about relationship problems that he's been having. That whole spring thing, dontchaknow? And before he left, he said something to me...
With all the stuff going on in my life right now, that really meant a lot to me. To know that there may actually be a reason for me to be sitting here, looking out my window at the rain. Thinking about all the work i have to do. The pain and suffering that's been promised to me in the coming weeks.
It's all worth it.
April Fools! You thought that it was going to be spring didn't you? apparently new england's getting that last big fuck you to all the people that have been bitching about the weather all winter. Sitting in my room earlier, looking at the wind blowing the snow around. The rettling of the window. watching the snow stick to the screen. i never got a chance to put down the storm window before the storm hit.
Now sitting in the lab. not much better than home. i haven't been productive at all. i still haven't gotten out of break mode. don't know if i ever will.
and the lights keep threatening to go out.
a lot.
heh. here i was, thought that spring was in the air. all happy about that. spring? nah, just kidding. We're not going to let you be happy. Well, here we go, i'm going to thwart them all, and be happy in spite of everything. ignorance is bliss. i don't think about the work i have to do, so i'm all happy.
found out that the department servers aren't on any sort of ups system. Now, with the lights flickering, the possiblity of blackout is pretty high. What do we do then? overtime for the net admins. that sounds like fun. when you could have a simple little SIGPOWER script to run when the UPS kicks it to bring the server down gently. gah.
it's little things like this. could be dealt with very easily. or not.
then on the friend front. what fun i'm having here. it's no fun to be stuck in the middle. danny's having problems, mike's having issues with danny. and here i am, sitting in the middle of all this. what the hell am i supposed to do? can't side with either, can't side with both.
you know, if i didn't like them so much, i'd say to hell with friends.
05:25
i seem to be more able to write late at night. and when i have a subject worth writing about.
It just hit me this morning the amount of work that i have to do by friday.
Take the time to wash your hands in really, really hot water. Then, while still dripping wet, stick them out the window into the cold and watch them steam. Great fun.
More at some other point.
haven't been here in a bit, i know. well, two days really, in my world. seems like so much longer. what with days melting into nights turning into days. but there's something i find so, theraputic about writing. to get my day out of my system. so i can move on.
found myself in some sort of awful slump yesterday. really depressed like. out of nowhere, *pow* ouch, i was hurt. dunno why. dunno how. surrounded by too much death i believe. that's no fun. not even people i really know. my friend's best friend. a girl here at school. and yesterday (i found out) was the birthday of a friend of mine who died last year.
really a downer.
and i was feeling all ignored like. don't know. reminded me of being in elementary school. not fun at all.
and i'm overwhelmed with work that i just don't want to do. and i'm sick of computer science. and i spent yesterday morning / afternoon in the theatre doing general cleanup bullshit that should have been done before but whatever.
and i turned down the opportunity to design a dance show on the main stage. i just couldn't deal with that and my final project for my cs class, and all that priority bullshit, and it would have been too much and i am missing out but those are the sacrifices that i have to make.
i am learning how to be responsible. a step at a time.
and it's spring (for real this time) and i can really be depressed since i'm still lonely. though as of now, i'm actually quite mellow.
or i might just be confusing mellow with tired.
i'm guessing it's the later. maybe i'll work on more of my page.