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For the week of march 16, 1997
And here i am, a few hours away from the largest meat market i've ever seen. or so i'm told anyway. Tomorrow i go to a theatre conference to see if i can't wrangle me a job for the summer. And I think to myself, this'll be good. I can find out what's out there, find a job perhaps. There are some great opportunities, i've been told.
And then i think to myself, I really want to be home this summer. And i'm really scared about getting out into the real world. And i'm really scared about growing up. I mean i've really been slacking on this summer job thing, just expecting something to fall into my lap.
What do i want to do? Do I want to do theatre? I love it, but is it what i want to do this summer? Or do i want to do something computer related? I was offered a job last summer doing some database stuff, but in all honesty, it just didn't interest me. The internet seems to have some real potential (seems, my ass...) but damned if i know what to look for in terms of jobs. Ack. I don't know. I can code HTML, but would someone hire me for that? And more importantly, where the hell do i start looking?
There's still that home issue kicking around in the back of my head. Most people i know really can't stand their families and would rather be banished to the far side of the moon than be forced to spend the summer at home. But I'm really looking forward to it, and would rather have a job which would allow me to live at home.
no more commutes though. Gak. that was killer.
I guess we'll see tomorrow. Hehe... wish me luck.
good luck. you'll need it
tuesday, march 18, 1997, 03:01 "I think you have to be pleasant and happy and fake"
That's what my roommate told me. i was bitching to him about why i am alone at the moment. And i've found that i just have enough friends that i am interested. Make that none. So, what am i going to do? Stroll up to someone and introduce someone? I can't do that. I won't do that. I really have to know someone before i get involved with them at all.
But i refuse for a person to meet me, get to know me, and like me, all based on someone who isn't me. it's wasting their time, it's wasting my time, and (selfishly enought) I feel like it's not helping me in the slightest. What good is it for someone to see another person? you are now reading another side of me. this is still me. the me that people see in real life is similar in many ways to this me. but i will not be fake about me.
This still leaves me with the issue of not knowing enough people. Perhaps i have to get out more.
On a related note, I ended up in Boston today to go to the theatre conference. I learned about summer stock theatre. i learned about professional theatre. I realzied that i don't want to do summer stock. and i've realize that i no have no plan for the summer. Nothing. No interviews, no fixed plan.
as a very organized (?) person, this is bothering me.
Actually, that's not true. While i do not have a plan, i have a somewhat "anti-plan" of things not to do after school which includes summer stock. a great experience, to be sure, but it's a small theatre way the heck farther than i wanted to be. So, it looks like i'll be carting computers or some such other thing.
I jus really wish that people i know believed in and understood what i want to do with the internet. with online communities. with people. it's not considered "real" cs. and it has to do with computers, so theatre people don't particularly care.
so again i'm stuck in the middle.
wednesday, march 19, 1997, 17:46 Have i lost sight of what i want these pages to be? documenting my life? perhaps. i dunno. so, what did i do today? eventful? not really. proctored an exam. in a class that i didn't do too well in last year. lighting design. was interesting. oooh, the power.
Thinking more about the community aspect of my life. and how there really doesn't seem to be very much of one. that's what i try to find online. i run through these phases in my life, looking for people online to talk to, who understand what i'm doing.
Most people here just don't understand. I don't think i even understand. But people here, my friends, all consider the internet a toy. Just some foolish thing that people waste their time on. there's nothing of value there because it's not hardcore cs.
the human aspect doesn't even get through to most of them. I don't know. Perhaps i've just been blinded by what could be, and haven't come back down to earth to realize what really is. I talk to people who are out there, having fun, living their lives out there. Is there really that much to do?
The life in theatre sounds really cool. The life on the computer sounds pretty cool. both in theory. either. in practice? i really don't know. I'll see soon enough.
I probably shouldn't even be writing, seeing the state that i'm in right now. Of course, in my current state i shouldn't be doing anything other than taking a shotgun to my head and putting my fool self out of my misery
(see what i mean)
There's really nothing quite so frustrating as staying up, trying to understand something, and, hours later, coming to the conclusion that it's basically hopelesss to convince yourself that you can, in fact, complete a certain task when it is quite obvious that your feeble little mind can't even begin to understand what the hell is going on."What the hell?" you say. I'm talking, again, about math. whatever. not that it really concerns any of you. all i'm saying is that i try, and i try, and i try, and i read the (useless) textbook, and i read my (lousy) notes, and it makes sense to me, and i know what has to get done
or so i would convince myself
and in reality, nothing comes of it. Nothing happens. i look at the page, i see the numbers, the symbols.and nothing happens.
really facinating, really, that so little can come from such a strong believe. i mean, i thought i understood the concepts, i thought i knew what the hell was happening. and yet my answers just don't fit into the framework that is the world of math.
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
that was fun, and although i still have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me that there's something here that i really just am not {physically, mentally, emotionally} able to do, i will go on, because by lingering here, i will work myself into more and more of a state.
my friend is finally getting himself a damn girlfriend. took him the hell long enough. but finally, he's going to be happy. i hate seeing my friends upset, even more than i hate being upset myself. if i'm upset, that's fine, i can deal, i can control, i can contain.
If, however,
my friend is upset, then we've got problems. i want to fix the world, and this is just further proof that i can't do it.so when i see people that i know happy, it brings me joy and happiness. i live my happiness through others. vicariously, i bring happiness to my life by seeing it in others.
of course if i could make myself happy, that would be fine too. but seeing other people happy is better.
when i'm happy, i'm happy.
when others are happy, they're happy, and i'm happy. there's so much more happiness involved in the second situation.
then why the hell do i feel like hell?
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