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For the week of march 9, 1997
Whee. Just got back from the housing lottery for next year. Made out okay. Not great. Well, actually, second choice. A suite. With some of my friends. That's pretty cool.
Friendship.
Wow. Heavy stuff. Been thinking lots about this. Best friend stuff. Do i have one? What is it? I remember high school (and i suppose i will always remember high school). My best friends and I. We did everything together. But it was more than just doing. It was being. We had a sense of each other. We worked well together. Same interests, yes. But more. Same priorities (well almost).
Same lives. (okay, they had their "significant other" bullshit going on. whatever)
Here at school. Do i have the same thing? I seem to have a divided group of friends. Theatre people think i'm crazy for doing cs. cs people think that theatre is just silly. i have to live both lives. that's who i am. My best friend in high school did too. Here? What's it mean? does best friend even mean anything any more? i've got my group of cs friends. seem to be much close with them than i am with any theatre people.
and i can share my problems with (them). I don't know. Perhaps a year isn't long enough. Perhaps i'm just comparing who i am now with who i used to be. That's just not a good thing.
... and now they're all going to get mad at me when they read this. ah well. that's what friendship is all about.
Whee. gotta love that feeling of emptiness. not exactly sure where it crept in from, except for the fact that i know i'm really icky and really tired right now. it's basically as if my soul has been yanked out through my eyes and is now dangling in front of my face.
i suppose it really isn't that bad right now. last night i struck the show that i've been working on for the last few weeks. when i'm working on these shows, they're draining, they're frustrating, they're exhausting. but in the end i get something that i can really be proud of and really be confident in the fact that i can do something worthwhile.
and now i'm done withe theatre for a while. a long while if reason has its way. I really can't do any (much) more theatre this semester, as my cs course will be sucking up most of my life toward the end of the semester.
I think the problem is that i have nothing real to occupy my time with right now. my first show started the semester, and it rolled right into this one. now that this one is over, i'm expecting another one, but it's not coming. so all of the feelings that have been put on hold for the last month+ are now all coming free and are seeping back into my life.
i suppose it's just another part of my life. what doesn't kill me will make me stronger.
or possibly just more depressed.
heh. not really. upbeat thoughts. happy happy. take joy in the knowledge that your friends are happy and you will be too...
whee!
thursday, march 13, 1997 05:18 The sky's just moving out of that deep blue / black night color and into the light / dark blue morning look. It's nice. I can see hints of orange peeking over the houses in the distance, past the construction site. Soon another day will have started. And where will i be? Asleep, I hope.
I'm meeting witha professor today to try to figure out what's going on with the rest of my life. A few weeks ago i was all gung-ho on theatre. gonna do it, gotta do it. my life, my dreams. All that jazz. And now, here's me. Same person. After doing two shows and two cs projects, I think that the shows still win out, but the computer science is looking more and more appealing. After all, I wouldn't be up this late working on my program if it didn't speak to me in some way.
So now I'm just plain confused. I can do both, i can do either. Is there going to be an opeing for me in both? In theatre, what is there to do? In cs will i get to be doing what i want? No coding 24/7 for me, though some perl scripts might be nice. Hacking away at set stuff. Not "you'll be writing the parser for this part of this humungous program that you wouldn't be able to afford in real life" type of thing.
No more corporate life for me.
That's another story. Right now, it's a story about sleeping. Hehehe.
saturday, march 15, 1997 02:48 Actually had a great evening tonight. Wonderful. Whee. Haven't had this much fun in a damn long time. Started the evening working on my project for my cs class.
And it just got better from there. Heh. Remember tag? Started a great game of tag in the back of the lab. Great fun. Running around, feeling like a kid again. Actually, i'm really scared of growing up. Well, not really scared, just not willing to do so. I think that i can get away with not being a "grown up" type person for quite a while yet.
Went to a movie. Return of the Jedi. Many improvements, but the best thing about it was getting there and coming home. Okay, well, i slept most of the way there, but being there, with (22) of my closest friends was great fun. And then afterwards, being able to talk to people about it, people who really understand, appreciate, and like talking about pointless, fun, things, like movies.
Then came back, stopped at Bickford's. That was fun too. Talking, laughing, making more than enough noise for the whole place. College is more than books, classes and assignments. It's all about friends. It's about experience. It's about finding out who you are. About where you came from. Perhaps where you're going, but that seems less and less important. There's enough time for the future in the future.
Then more memories of elementary school. Now that was fun. Imagination. I can't believe the toys that kids have these days. You'd think that they never had time to install imaginations in the kids these days. Nah, that's not really true. I think i'm just bitter because i don't remember where all of my ideas came from back when i was younger. Recess was always an adventure. We'd go to the "Big Toy" as we called it, and jump around. The gravel was always the lava. And we had to get away from
and save the world, all before we had to go back to class. Maybe that's what i love so much about theatre. It let's me play make-believe again. It let's me create this fantasy world. Let's me create the environment that i'm living in. And let's me create the environment that other people are seeing. I get to shape someone else's reality for an hour or two. And if that has an impact, then i've done somethning good.
Cool. I'm never gonna grow up.
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