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For the week of march 2, 1997
So, here I am in the lab. Haven't done this in a while. Oh, wait, never mind. I'm just confused. It's tough. Time just seems to be flying by and i have no idea what day it is. (i mean i could just look up at the top of this page, but...) Spent last night in the theatre. been doing a lot of that stuff lately. If i'm not in the lab then i'm in the theatre.
all of my theatre friends wonder where i am when I'm in the lab.
all of my cs friends wonder where i am when I'm in the theatre.
Compile's done. be right back.
That's basically what my free time is right now. Anything that i can find. I find that i would get so much more done if i just didn't need to sleep. alas, that is not to be. if i could just stay awake for another few days. Eh, other work to do.
Must go, time's a-wasting.
This is known as waiting until the last minute. not by any fault of my own, mind you. It's just that trying to balance two lives, which are so similar in time commitment and so different everywhere else is, well, difficult. If i'm not in the lab, I'm in the theatre. it's strange not having any time to myself, even in my own mind. I am constantly thinking, even when doing other things (like now) about what I'm going to be doing next.
makes concentration hard
really really tired right now.
I think that I've decided that I know what i don't like about web pages these days. It's actually the same thing that I do like about them. The fact that anyone and everyone can get web space and put up whatever they want is what appeals to me. The fact that people do does not. This is of course talking about personal homepages. A link to a page about me. A link to some pictures. A link to my school. A link to a search engine.
this does not excite me. really.
and it doesn't excite me for two reasons. Most of the time it's old and stale and will stay that way. The bigger problem though is that I'm pretty sure that everyone has something to say. So they should say it. The web should be an extension of real life. It should be filled with feelings and other yummy stuff like that.
going to code now. whee.
Well, here we are. Pinball game for my software engineering course is done. That's all good. I was expecting everything now to be all good. finish the program, get the reward of being able to go to sleep on my own instead of when my body says "get thee to the floor." But no. I lose. I get to do more work.
It wouldn't really be that bad. I can accept the fact that I have a lot of work to do. But I really wish that the day would allocate me enough time to do anything. This is going to be silly. I'm trying to plan out the rest of my day, but I don't think that i have enough time to do everything i have to.
whatever
I have, however, come to the conclusion that right now, there is no room in my life for anyone else. I've been having a hard time dealing with people, primarily because i'm having trouble dealing with myself. If I can't accept the way I am right now, how can I expect others to accept me either.
I've been alienating people. And I don't like it. But right now, i can't afford to become too attached to anything. If I do, I'm just going to get let down. Really damn hard. and that's going to hurt. And i've got enough to do right now that I can't deal with any more disappointments.
So I put up these walls. And I sit between them. Maybe one day I'll knock them down. Maybe next week.
I hope.
I cannot wait to go to sleep tonight. I think I've been honestly longing for this night for a good month now. My two show commitments are done. My first big cs projeect is done. My paper for philosophy got written. I understood my math problem set. I can go to sleep tonight, instead of having my body tell me when it's time to crash. this is a good feeling.
Tonight (friday) was a weird night. Cast party. Those are always fun. Wasn't too bad. Went. Hung out. People all around. People drinking. People being loud. Party stuffs. I dunno. Don't really like parties. Too much in an enclosed space. But my roommate forced me to be there, so I went. Wasn't bad. I reached a point though, being the introvert that I am, where I just couldn't deal with the number of people in the room.
So I went outside.
A self imposed exile. Didn't do it on purpse. Don't know if I really needed it, per se, or whether it's just been such a part of my life for so long that there's really no other life that I know. What I do know is that there is always a point where I have to go outside, go away, and be by myself. Recover. Recharge.
Normally that ends the party for me. After that step there's really no integrating into the clusters, both in the situation itself, and in my own mind. I've made my appearance, done my duty. That's all it seems like. I really don't like parties. They just don't do anything for me. I don't dislike them, but there's really nothing to make me feel like i missed out on something big if i spent the night in my room reading or playing on the computer rather than going to a party.
People do need other people to survive. I've accepted this. I just haven't accepted the fact that I fall under the category of people yet... 15:09
It looks like a magritte painting outside. Very strange. I look around, everything looks fairly well lit, and yet the sky is dark, overcast, almost black. Or maybe not. It's strange. It hasn't looked like this in a while. Or maybe I just haven't had the time to notice. I think i'll go and live life for a while instead of talking about it
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