another kind of me

Think of them as thoughtlets.

For the week of february 16, 1997

thursday, february 20, 1997, 03:04
what i did from last friday to tuesday. didn't sleep. didn't eat very well. didn't do any school work. didn't have much fun. worked very hard. got very frustrated. got unfrustrated. got frustrated once again. felt useless. felt embarrassed. felt scared. felt overwhelmed. felt underappreciated. insulted too many people. drank too much orange juice with ginseng. crashed very hard. didn't sleep some more. slept on the floor. found the radiator a nice alternative to a blanket. confused some people by sleeping in the lobby. focused, refocused, and realized that everything looked like shit. forgot to go to work. was depressed. was proud. was disappointed. was happy. was confused. was completely and utterly exhausted. was satisfied.
am done.
and now i am going through a great period of fear, disappointment and disgust. the first of all the work. the latter two in myself. I wonder whether i am cut out for the work that I'm doing. i see others around me, complaining and getting work done and look at myself and see a person complaining and not getting any work done.
i see a person who would not be able to get any work done without the help of others. in the computer science "culture" this is considered a sign of weakness.
i am weak. what can i say?
11:40

so those are the dangers of writing really late at night. those are also the dangers of having parents who are "wired." Argh. I can't believe i just used that word. My father just gave me a kick in the ass, as i've needed.
To put it another way, as my son would say "Suck it up-live with it"
He's right. There's no sense in beating my head in. If i was really as fed up with everything as i think i am then i would just quit. I will not quit. Then, as it stands to reason, I will continue (to complain, but hey, that's life).

saturday, february 22, 1997, 04:57
No regrets.
I decided today (yesterday? time has no meaning) that i will live my life with no regrets. I will take responsibility for what I do, and i will accept whatever consequences come about. Big words. Don't know whether i'll be able to stand by them, but I'll give it my best shot. This, after spending all last weekend in the theatre. I'm sure that all of this extra-curricular work is going to cause me problems. That is probably a given. I'm not driven as much in my school work. Doesn't facinate me as much as it should. It seems to be merely time taken away from the real work in my life.
But i will not regret the decisions i've made. I will not look back and say "if only i had..." I will only look at the situation i am in and say "i must fix this" and "how will i do so?"
That having been said, I went to see The Empire Strikes Back tonight (friday night, whatever). Opening night of the second movie of the original trilogy. Very exciting stuff. And I was debating whether or not to go. The movie theatre was a good hour away (yes, we have to go out of state to find a first run theatre... what of it?). I finally decided that this is what college is all about. Packing people into cars, driving hours to go see a movie. It's all about friends. Time spent together. The experience more than anything else. Being part of something.
And after the movie we went back to a friend's room and just sat around and talked. And I must say that it was the first time I really had an in-depth conversation with him. And it was wonderful. I was able to express many of my concerns and thoughts about life. He listened. He knew what I was talking about. We shared many of the same views on life. How it should be lived. all that other good stuff.
concerns about the future was a biggie. I'd always taken it for granted that I would find a mate, settle down, and raise a family. And now i'm in college, and have still never been on a date, and am getting a bit worried. i would like to have a lasting relationship, but i'm both afraid of it being able to last, and being afraid of it not lasting at all.
talk of interaction. so many different people in this world. driving to the movie theatre we passed a great number of cars. each car had, say, on average, three people in it. that's three other lives that i may or may not ever have any other contact with except for the fact that i saw them on the Mass Turnpile. I saw them, they probably didn't even see me, and they went on their way. And I went on mine. There are so many different lives going on. It boggles the mind. Each on has different thoughts, different experiences, different viewpoints, different memories. Every life is different.
And I can only see the world through my own eyes. Can seem rather limiting at times.
I want to sprout wings and a tail. but since i'm pretty sure that's not going to happen, i'm just going enjoy life. Not sit back and enjoy, mind you, but jump in and actively do so.
After all, you snooze, you lose.