another kind of me

Think of them as thoughtlets.

For the week of february 9, 1997

sunday, february 9, 1997, 02:40

I was in such a state of utter dispair earlier, being so overwhelmed by the amount of work (stuff) that i had to do that I was completely paralyzed and could do nothing at all. It was quite a strange feeling. Sitting in my room with this awful sinking feeling that nothing's going to get done, that there's just no way it's going to work out. I had this distinct "i want my mommy" feel. I just wanted to go home and curl up in bed and have my mother tell me that everything's going to be alright.
But those days are over. I have to take care of myself. So i did the only thing that i knew how to. I went to my friends' room. And had some cheese. and surprisingly, things are okay now. I went over to another friend's room and built an ignitor for an effect for the show i'm working on now. and i think it might actually work.
and i got the strangest message on my answering machine. Something about a party, dying for my presence, vinyl, and me not having anything better to do. well believe me, if i had gotten the message earlier i would have been over in a flash (vinyl?), but seeing as i was working with pyro, and solder, what could i do? priorities. (but if i missed out on something big, i'm going to be more mad at this show than ever)
oh sure, everything isn't all better. but it could be worse. and it's definitely gotten better.
all in all it was a successful night.

tuesday, february 11, 1997, 23:54

you know, i thought i had everything under control, but alas, i'm just an idiot. i hate these times of my life. i really don't need to have my program design until tomorrow, which means that i don't have to do it tonight. the two papers that i have to write are really short, so it really shouldn't even take me that long. it's not even midnight, so i have plenty of time.
but i know that's not true. I really don't have much time to waste. and the lighting design isn't done for the show i'm working on. Okay, well the design is done, but it stinks. and i have to fix it. I really have to fix it. and tech is this weekend. argh.
and now i'm sitting here trying to get a piece of paper to catch on fire for a show i'm working on and it just won't light.
and time's running out. it's after midnight. i still have plenty of time...

wednesday, february 12, 1997, 23:54

More procrastination. Damn I'm good. No whining today. It's not worth it. You don't want to hear it. And when I look back on this, i want to realize that I wasn't a really depressed individual.
Okay, fine. One complaint. It's about 400 degrees in my room right now. Oh well.
The days are really weird these days. Had my design check for a cs project. It went okay, and i convinced the TA that I knew what i was talking about. And now i have to actually write everything up, and I don't really know what i'm doing. Whee.
I get to see the first, really, really rough run tomorrow of 1984 that my roommate's directing. Should be really exciting, and, seeing as it's the last show that i'm going to work on in full capacity this semester, I'm going to make it kick ass.
With the courses that i'm taking this semester i don't think that i'm going to be able to do any more theatre. quite unfortunate, but i think that i'll be able to handle it. and i also think that it's quite apparent that theatre is my one great love.
Not to say that I don't love doing cs as well. I do. And i'd like to think that i'm not too bad at it. I suppose that in an ideal world i'll be making my money on computers, and doing theatre the rest of the time.
Sound plausible? I sure hope so.

thursday, february 13, 1997, 23:54

Was just listening to Rent, and there was a song about the new year. Which got me thinking about what the new year is going to be like when I get out of school. The turnover to the next set of numbers (I'm not going to say millenium, because technically... but i won't get into that right now), is going to be the first year that I'm out of college (hopefully). I'll have graduated in May 1999, i should be out on my own somewhere.
So how am I going to spend that new year? Am i going to spend it with my friends from high school? My friends from college? New friends that i make whereever I am going to be at the time?
It's scary. It was scary to uproot my life and come here to college. But this has become a part of my life. It has, in fact, become my life. So, in another few years I'm going to have to get up again and change my life all over again.
ah, that's fine. I was never really expecting to stay here forever. It's just a bit strange. Being in the same place for 18 years, then getting up and moving was strange enough. But now it's going to be 4 years and *BAM*.
Life's going by way too fast. But I don't really want to slow it down.

friday, february 14, 1997, 03:00

Who am i fooling? I really can't do math. Quite fascinating how i just can't do it. Sitting here on my floor, looking at the numbers, the symbols. They just don't make any sense. I know what they all mean (most of them), i watch them flying all over the place in class. In section. It's all good. I understand it.
Then I get home.
Then I actually sit down to do it. It doesn't help matters much that it's 3 in the morning i suppose, but still, it just doesn't make any sense to me. It's incredible.
Time for more work.