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Thursday May 18, 2000, 19:32

Since I've moved to Boston I've made two new friends. I've found some old friends, and I've kept in touch with people from school, but as for people whom I met up here and spent any time with, that'd be two people.

I've been here six months.

So we figure that this two friends thing is not really so bad. I mean, it takes years and years to build up friendships. Well, I don't know, but I feel like I had been on a roll before, and I've pretty much stopped dead in my tracks now. Oh, and one of those friends I haven't even seen if months. Mouser and I met at Web99 and we hung out some after that, mostly in going to Circle for some dancing things, but work started getting in the way of that, so I haven't seen him.

That leaves Simone. And my friendship with Simone is the kind of thing that I remember from school, which is what makes it so comforting to me. We met over the internet. Blah blah email blah. We met. We hung out a lot. We've got roller blading and she taught me how to drive stick.

Most of all, we talk. And we connect in the knowledge that neither of us can deal with stupid people. And are pretty much assholes to people whom we believe should be made fun of. That's just the way we are. And when we're in bed we talk and laugh and giggle not because we're in bed together (though that's pretty funny) but more because we seem to understand each other. We seem to fit together the way that I've missed since leaving college.

So there's this real fear that I'm going to lose this friend of mine if I decide that I'm going to move back to New York.

[ case in point: Here I am, writing about Simone, and thinking about how we're all connected and whatnot, when all of a sudden the sky lights up in this brilliant array of lightning. "Wow," I think, and try to figure out how I'm going to go about writing it when the phone rings and it's simone telling me to look out my window because the clouds look really cool and there's this lightning and whatnot out there. Yeah. ]

This fear stems much from the fact that my life is what I might describe as chronically temporary. I can't seem to settle, no matter how much I try. I moved into my apartment in hopes that that would help ground me in some sort of reality, but i still haven't unpacked all of my things yet. I bought a futon couch, but it's still at the office because I have no way of getting it home. And I'm thinking already of the next thing that I want to do because i'm already tired.

And she's looking into buying a condo. in the suburbs. i want to move to the city. she hangs out with all of her old friends from high school and some from college, and i am looking desperately for a new life. It seems that there's so much about us that is in complete opposition that it couldn't possibly survive any sort of distance. It'll be like those friends of mine that I had in college that I spent lots of time with and parted company with a "I'll talk to you! Keep in touch!" and have in stead not given them a second thought.

in fact, they are so little a part of my life right now that I can't even remember any of these people.

So can I just up and leave again? Am I ready to do that? Or would that just be running away again? And wouldn't that be really shitty of me? Just running away again because i got bored. BORED! Imagine if you could just pick up and leave when you got bored. You'd never get anywhere, because you'd always be leaving, always waiting to get bored again.

This has all become real again today because there's the very real task of putting together a working version of this product by next week, a product which really has no working parts yet, and a product which I don't particularly want to work on any more. This product has to function for an audience, and it has to do so by next week. When I was working on documenting what could happen, at least I was able to do so by just shutting down my brain. But this is very real. And it's happening very soon.

And I'm just bored.

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