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Thursday May 18, 2000, 14:11
sit on my ass. look at the monitor. try to think. drink my water. look at monitor. try to think. drink water. out of water. stand up. rub my ass (cramped). walk over to the water cooler. realize that we're down to our last water bottle. realize that i already called the water cooler people. eagerly await tuesday delivery of water. get water. sit down again. look at monitor. realize i haven't been thinking.
i mean here's the thing. i tried. i really tried to do something today. or rather, am still trying. i mean i've been alone in the office for days now, what with the guys off having meetings and the like and while i plug away on this documentation. they told me that i have to work faster and start bullshitting more. i mean, i thought that's what i was doing.
i attempted to have my concert experience last night but failed miserably when there were a grand total of about a dozen people at the bar where one of our bands was playing. i did get to do all sorts of schmoozing with booking people and managers and the like, scoring myself a free tshirt and dropping my card. impressive, really, for someone who, when he was a little kid, couldn't go up to the little booth at the renaissance fair to buy himself a wooden sword because he was too scared of talking to strangers.
wow, that was a long time ago.
i woke up this morning at around 5:30 and pulled her close to me. through my mostly asleep haze i had the realization that i was going to have to wake up in an hour and a half and that this was a very, very bad idea so i launched up in my bed, spun around, switched off my clock radio and fell back asleep, my arm resting on her shoulder.
at 7:50 we woke up and she asked me what time i set the alarm for. "Oh," I said, quite matter of factly, "I turned it off."
yeah.
it takes so long to get out of the house in the morning what with all the hugging and whatnot, dripping water after a shower onto the floor of the bathroom (doesn't matter, that's what bath mats are for) and finally out the door, to the car, down and around the big traffic and then, parking at the corner for a goodbye kiss.
...
a brief aside: everyone and their mom (well, not my mom -- hi mom) have been telling me that today is jon's birthday. i haven't seen jon in forever. or several months at least. and it's really interesting, these relationships that you have with people for a while which are so noticable when they're gone. i mean, we were friends in school, but we never really went out of our way to hang out and whatnot. pretty much just drifted in an out of lives as was convenient. and now he's in california and i haven't seen him since he came out here for some recruiting crap.
if the opportunity arises, mock him for his taste in facial hair (eww, goatee eww).
...
aw shit i'm all nostalgic now. shit shit shit. now i'll never get any work done. which is also a form of nostalgia. sitting around surfing the web and wondering if i'll be able to meet my deadlines.
*ahem*
so yeah. i think about her sometimes. sometimes a lot. and sometimes very little. it's nice and realxing not being totally obsessed. well, except for those times when i am totally obsessed, but those times are nice too.
and i find out again that all of my friends are conspiring to get me to move back to new york. and i've got reason to stay here, most of which stems from the fact that i have this lease on this apartment and i've got equity in this company coming to me in six months time if i can only hold out enough living on the dream of doing something better. the dream of doing something that i really love doing. the problem is that i really don't know what i could be doing that would make me happy.
blah blah blah, but anything that would make me happy, would also probably not pay me, which would not make me happy, because right now i've got this intense desire to be self-sufficient, even if i can't cook for myself because i'm totally useless in a kitchen. BUT, i still feel like i don't want to be living off of my parents at this point in my life, and if i drop out of work and do nothing, that's what's going to happen.
would i like working for the record label full time? would i like trying to make a go at some sort of writing? what about freelance coding? or just another job. theatre? film? i have no idea, but i've never had the opportunity to find out, which is the problem right now. talk about what you do. because really, i want to know what the hell else is out there.
as for now i will attempt to do some of that work that they pay me to do. i will write lots of shit in an attempt to produce a document which will then be the basis for the project which i have to lead, which means that i'll have to fill it out again later.
how odd.
also odd, i suppose is the feeling that my eyebrow ring now has. see, it was all filled with puss and whatnot for the longest time and i was all worried that it wasn't going to heal and was going to get infected and cause me to go blind, which would really not be such a glamorous way to go blind. so i was worried.
well the top hole has scarred up a bit, but it's stopped oozing puss, and it's actually feeling pretty good these days. i can flip flop it back and forth and not even really feel it. and i can pull it away from my head and it pulls the skin away from my head and it feels pretty neat.
the concern at this point is that it feels much the way a loose tooth feels right before it falls out. now i don't think that my ring is going to fall out of my head, but i hear those stories of rings growing out through the skin and i think that maybe that could happen to me. maybe i'll be looking at the skin over my ring and realized that it's grown thin and that i can see the metal through the skin. then what? i might vomit. that would be really gross.
both the vomitting and the ring growing out of my head.
but right now it's just fun to play with.
flip flop flip flop.
almost makes me want to go out and get a hole poked through another part of me.
16:28
my mother used to worry about me, in college, when i would call home and tell her that no, i'm not really sure where i slept last night. well, you see i think it was in the theatre becuase i woke up on the floor of the theatre, or i woke up on the couch or i was at my computer and the next thing i know i was on the floor and i was waking up.
she would always get worried because what if i had been driving when i passed out from exhaustion. i didn't have a car at school, but i guess it was more of a hypothetical thing. like, if i could pass out like this when i was at school, what prevented it from happening when i came home on break and was out late with my friends and all?
i don't actually remember falling asleep but i remember waking up with the ring in my head digging a little ball-shaped dent into my arm and realizing that it was really uncomfortable and then flopping my head back down onto my desk.
i remember walking over to the couch to fall asleep, but i don't remember the part where i actually lay down on the couch. i woke up, and had slept with my arm bent all funny and it really hurt me to try to move it and i just looked in the mirror and saw that there was indeed a little ball-shaped dent in the side of my head from my eyebrow ring, but not one in my arm and i still can't really see too well out of my left eye because i think i was sleeping on it so i'm still in this weird dreamworld where everything is funny colors and whatnot becuase there's still some signal getting shot from my retina to my brain where there was all this pressure on it for a while.
and i woke up and the phone rang and i had to take a cohesive message for one of the guys here and I think i did ok, but I'm not really sure. I had to tell him something about the number of employees so I think I said the right number (including consultants) but will leave it to the receiver of the message to actually figure out what i told this guy when i give him the note when he gets back.
see, the office is empty again.
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