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Friday April 28, 2000, 16:01

so i was lying there all peacefuly-like, actually having a decently good dream which didn't involve sex or dying (though I don't think i've ever had a dream which incorporated both) when i was rudely awoken by someone talking to me.

i should be pissed, but i really can't be. see, this nap was kinda taking place on the couch at work and he was kinda asking me about why our streaming video servers (which do work, for a very specific definition of work) don't work.

i stalled for a minute (where am i and what did i do with my pants?) and then i started muttering something about how they kind of do work and i kind of upgraded the software on them today and then i'm going to have someone test them out to see exactly what it is that they're doing wrong or right when it comes to streaming ASF files and how they don't stream quicktime (though maybe they will in the summer) and then i promptly fell back asleep.

i have a great fear that one day i'm going to wake up on that white couch at work, my face ground into the pillow and realize that the eyebrow ring which has recently been healed up nice and non-bloody like is going to choose that particular moment to hemorrage and leave a nice big bloody mess on the ikeaness that is my office.

these are the concerns that i have in a typical work day. methinks me priorities are in the wrong place.

so anyway, i was there having this lovely dream when again he asks me why it doesn't work. well shit. now i'm caught in a lie. i have to wake up enough (stop drooling all over myself) to form cohesive sentences about how it's not really not working, how it just doesn't support all the features that we want it to and how we haven't actually been testing it for four months because we don't think we're going to be using it in the long run anyway and how i did just upgrade the software today so we're going to be testing it tonight to see if it actually works now.

and then i realize that half of what i said i had said the last time and i hope he doesn't realize that i really have no idea what i'm talking about and that had he asked me in 10 minutes i would have actually been conscious enough to make up more inaccuracies which would have satisfied his management mentality.

as it was i just picked my sorry ass up off of the couch, wandered over to the fridge, picked up my two week old two-liter (or litre, if i'm feeling particularly european in my language) bottle of coke and drink it, sans-mug, in an attempt to wake up enough to pretend like i'm doing work.

which is good because just at that moment, the phone rings. it's for me! oh happy day! even better, it's the cto guy (who's not really the cto but is the closest thing we have to one right now) and we have a lovely conversation about the org chart that i'm building for the company. he has some fabulous insight into the whole process being a manager sort and also have some sort of insight having worked at a lot of ass-backwards orgs (the cable industry is a wonderful one i hear). so we chat about the org chart and then we get to my objectives.

now objectives are a funny thing, because what it really means is "what are you doing at this company right now, what should you be doing, and what the hell are we paying you for anyway?" what it boiled down to was that i should learn java if i want to stay fresh in the market. that's just dandy, and i don't really mind it, but what i do mind is what he described as a "school project" kind of an asignment. you know, just making something just for the hell of it.

i've done enough of that. what i want to do now is build something that someone's actually going to use. otherwise i'm going to be very grumpy indeed.

we haven't really come up with a good project, which is unfortunate.

another objective was to try to figure out exactly how we're going to implement our product. i don't really want to get into it because it'll make it sound more impressive than it really is, but again it was that level of thinking and researching rather than doing that i just can't deal with. i'm so not the manager type. i need deliverables. yes. i'm speaking the marketing speak.

shoot me now.

the thing that i got from this whole conversation, though, was this renewed interest in the job. i mean, that's wonderful, i think. thought. i thought. but then i ponder a bit more. is this really a great thing? what does it mean for me to be ok with my job? it means that i'm not going to leave it and go back to new york. well then that means that i don't have anything to really get excited about. because that's the problem. i don't have this overwhelming desire to do wonderful things in my job because of the product. i only have a desire to do work because now i actually have work to do.

i'm not articulating this properly.

i don't care about the product right now. i don't know that i ever did or ever will. things i seem to care about are being a part of this company (it being fresh and hip and startty-uppy and all) and having work to do. interesting challenges. a definite deliverable.

take the org chart. i've been having fun with it today because i got some level of feedback from someone who knew what they were talking about which got me thinking about it all again. let's do that again. i do work. someone comments about work (someone who is more of an expert than i). i revise work.

conclusion: i seem to have made progress which give me a warm fuzzy.

however, i realize then that it's a stupid org chart. that's not fun. that's not creative. at the end of the day it only serves to drive forwar a company which is "building" a product about which i have very little interest anyway. it doesn't affect a lot of people. it doesn't have an impact.

oh how i long to have an impact. i get off on that kind of thing, you know?

but job things are always in the air. i still long for new york, for wandering around the village with eric talking about this and that. talking about this movie that he wants to make and that i would light. hanging out with catherine hanging lights and, actually. i think that's the only time i've ever hung out with catherine. but it's something i'd like to do more of.

being a part of that buzz again.

and not working. i haven't done that yet. you know, not worked. straight from school into a job into another job. summers were spent working. how i would long to just hack up imood all day long, maybe doing some contract work on the side and playing in the theatre. just for a bit. until it got boring. or until i found something that was so spectacular that i just knew i'd have to do it.

because i think that was my mistake.

i mistook general dissatisfaction with my job before with excitement about this new job. whereas i should have realized that my dissatisfaction with my job was just that and i should have reevaluated my life at that point.

not that this has been a mistake. i mean given my other situation i might still be living in other people's apartments. or on the street. or at home. and though i know a lot of people who live at home, it's not something that i think i could do for an extended period of time. it'd be all kinds of unhappy.

this leads to the ever-present question of whether i'd be happy doing anything, or if i'm just doomed to a life of job-hopping. it also (i suppose this is something else on my mind) brings up the question of what kind of job i'm suited for. i've found in this one that i'm just not motivated to do any of the work that is prensented to me when it's presented in this open-ended "do some research and report your findings" or "just organize the focus group" kind of a way.

does that mean that i'm destined to a life of being micro-managed? of having people telling me what to do? nobody wants to be that. or at least i don't want to be that. i don't want to just have people hand me a list and expect me to do it (although i realize now that's exactly what i told someone at an interview once -- how unfortunate). but, if i don't want a list, but i can't handle an open-ended project, then what am i good at? what am i suited for?

my father pointed out that my problem is one of motivation. that my problem is that if i don't like something i will not do it at all. i will put up such a wall that i will never get through, over, or around it.

tenth grade chemistry was like that. i was in the honors track. go figure. and it was absolutely ridiculous. i didn't give two shits about chemistry, and as much as i tried to make my brain force my will to just suck it up and do it, i couldn't figure it out. that was the lowest grade i got in high school, just because i didn't like it (and because i wasn't too good at it, which made me like it even less, even though i wanted deperately to want to like it so that i could do it better. that's pretty backward logic).

so maybe these jobs are like that too. i'm not into it, so i'm just going to shut myself off. regardless of the potential "learning experience" and whatnot, if i'm not going at it full-force, i'm not going at it at all.

maybe i just have to work for myself. doing my own projects. finding my own projects and figuring out how to live some other way.

sounds like it'd be a lot more exciting if nothing else.

wow, i didn't finish this thing until about 7pm. i guess i was actually kind of being productive during the day. *snicker* yeah right.

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