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Monday April 10, 2000, 11:05

it goes like this.

i woke up this morning feeling ok, i mean, i didn't get enough sleep, but i've discovered something. i need sleep between the hours of, say 4am and 10am. if i go to sleep at midnight and i wake up at 6, i'm totally wrecked and can't remember whenere i put my pants the night before (though inevitably they're right on the floor in the same place every morning for reasons which will be explained later). however, if i go to sleep at 4 and wake up at 10 i am happy and rejeuvenated and all this crazy stuff. which explains how i made it through college.

i only realize this because i was up until 4am on saturday night and woke up at 10 and was totally cool about it. although i just realized that i went to bed at midnight or so friday night and then woke up a lot on saturday morning from 6 until 8 or something. but i guess i didn't wake up until 8, so this is still a legit theory.

i woke up this morning and took a shower and didn't almost die but i did realize that i need body wash in my life. like this irish spring soap just isn't cutting it any more. but i also know that i know nothing about body wash, so if you do know of any particularly good brands or whatever that'll moisturize my skin while making me feel all clean and stuff, let me know.

then i ate yogurt. and washed my dishes. then, instead of going to work right then, after i had finish my breakfast ("breakfast") i proceeded to cover my book.

see, i'm reading the dave eggers book which everyone is all pissing themselves about and i realize that if i want to be one of the cool kids then i have to read it too, and hey, it looks like it might be interesting so i decide to buy it when i'm buying novel with cocaine because eric wants to make a movie of it but that only got me to $24.40 and i had a gift certificate for $10 off a purchase of $25 or more so i bought a david foster wallace book too at the same time. that's not the point. the point is that i'm reading this book now and i'm such an anal freakshow (i wonder what kind of hits that'll pull up in the search engines) that i can't stand to have my posessions marred or anything.

remember in high school (or even middle school) when you got your text books and you brought them home and covered them with a brown paper bag which you would then proceed to write on for the rest of the school yeah until by the end of the year you'd have this masterpiece on your math book because you didn't ever really use your math book during math class? so i covered my dave eggers book with a brown paper bag from stop and shop because a) i'm a freak and b) those paper bags are too small to hold my newspapers for recycling anyway, so what else am i going to do with them?

of course on my way to work i realize that my bag is way too heavy because i'm carrying my notepad and this fucking book and my cds for the day and my umbrealla (because if i don't carry my umbrella it's going to rain) and my altoids and my palm.

that is not the point.

the point is that it's spring and it's really warm out and there is something going on in my head right now. so i met this girl, simone, right? and now i'm going to talk about her, because i realize that this journal has not been about me, it's been about me not really writing in my own voice any more. so let me find that again.

i walked into the bar the other night to the poetry reading to meet simone with whom prior to that point i had only exchanged a number (a large number) of emails. yes, i'm actually retelling this story. well, i'm not. there's this part that i left out. see, i sat down with her and i thought that this was a wonderful thing. i'm here, with a girl, in a bar, listening to poetry, and i'm not totally in love with her.

really. like, i didn't find myself totally googly headed about her, which was a good thing. i mean, not a good thing, but not a bad thing. it was a thing where it was good because she is cool and we're hanging out and it's so cool to have someone new to talk to. and wow, she really writes some good poetry. i mean, i'm not really a fan of poetry (and when we used to have this super secret poetry readings in naughty places at school, i would inevitably read something from flatland (though don't let that paint me as a math nerd since i was explicitely told by my math teacher that was never to take another math course again after i didn't fail calculus) because i didn't really get poetry). and here she's got these kick ass poems and i was just psyched to meet someone new.

and then i got home and i think i went to sleep because i was tired. or maybe i wrote or something. i don't really remember. over the next couple of days simone and i emailed more and more and we decided that we were going to meet up on saturday before she had her poetry reading thing and i had this birthday party to go to.

feelings.

finding myself waiting to hear from her, waiting, watching my shell for email from her, watching icq to see if she logged in. i realized that this was insanity. that i was completely smitten by this person whom i had met once. once! and yet i was hanging on her every word and i felt like my day hadn't started if i didn't get mail from her and hadn't ended until we'd said goodbye for the day.

blame it on spring. that seemed to work the best for me. i figured that it was nice out and that the trees were blooming and the floweres were blooming and everything was blooming and that there must be something wrong with my head that makes me want so desperately just to hang out with this girl whom, up until recently i didn't even know and up uptil even more recently i didn't even think i liked. you know. in that middle school "like like" kind of a way.

saturday rolled around and i was up at 8am because i was rested and looking forward to the day. saturday rolled around, simone showed up and we had lunch. we talked about my head traumas (which always seem to come up in conversations with people i meet for the first time, most likely as an excuse or something of the sort) and she told me all about how half of her family has no lower jaw. we were bonding!

of course she doesn't drink tea, so that was one strike right there.

finished lunch and started walking. you know, nice day, 7 or so hours to kill before her reading and my party. so we walked. and it was really fucking windy. i mean, we were jumping up in the air to see if we could get blown to the side kind of windy. and her hair was all over the place and it was warm and there were lots of people out walking around smiling because it was warm and they could wear their tanktops and hawaiian shirts. we passed by a couple of frat houses and were blown away by the smell of meat. meat! and people playing some really bad hacky sack and a couch on the sidewalk. and it was nice and i was hanging out with this really cool girl.

i think at that point there was some part of me that was waking up to the fact that i did in fact like this girl. or that i might like this girl.

here's the weird part. the weird part is that i really can't tell. i throw these words around and i know that when we were walking and the wind would blow us around or the rollerblader would pass on the side and i'd jump out of the way and my hand would brush against her's really innocently that i would want our hands to brush against each othere again. but i didn't know whether it was because i wanted her hand to brush against mind or just that it was spring and it was beatiful out and i hadn't had anyone's hand brush against mine in eight months and i realized that it would be a year since elaine and i had started dating and that was why i was so needy just then.

but it was fun and great.

and then i realized that i was turning into that guy that i'm sure that every girl knows. that guy who is only hanging out with her because he thinks that he can get in her pants. and i was so NOT that guy just then because i was just so happy to be hanging out with her, but i was deathly afraid that she was going to think that i was being that guy.

i mean, i've been that guy in the past and i hated that guy.

that's not actually true. i didn't hate him. i mean, he was me. and he was also kind of cute, because he was doing these cute flirty things but still, i can't help think that there's just something dishonest about the whole thing.

we walked some more. our hands brushed some more. we laughed. she told me that she wore cheerleader sneakers. i didn't know that there were cheerleader sneakers. as in, companies make sneakers for cheerleaders. in different colors. for different schools. we were on a bridge and (chronolgy be damned, i'm doing stream of consciouness not a freaking documentary) she caught me staring at her. i was doing nothing more than looking at her to try to figure out what was going on in my head, but she saw me and she smiled and i smiled and i felt like a doofball, but i was a doofball on a ramp on a bridge with a girl talking about the slowest fire engines ever that were passing by us on the bridge above.

we walked some more, and eventually ended up back at my apartment (though at some point we ended up at the bookstore making fun of books with titles like "breaking the bible code" and we were there because, well, i had too much tea to drink at lunch and, anyway) and, once again, i used the "let me show you my portfolio" ploy to get a girl to my apartment.

it got late. and we walked to the poetry readying and i hopped on the T to go to this party.

as i sat on the T i saw her walking down the sidewalk, slightly hunched over from her backpack, and I watched until i couldn't see her any more.

the party itself was everything i hated about school with more geeks. it wasn't that the people were bad, and, in fact, i'm quite fond of most of them. or rather, i'm fond of the ones i knew. i did not, however know most of them, which made it an awkard party. new rule in my life is

poetry with girl beats party with cs geeks.

of course i was talking about simone, and of course brian tells me that of course she likes me, everyone likes me, because i'm really attractive. brian was sick of me talking about girls. seth backs brian up on this one and mentions that "whenever [he] dreams of men, [he] dreams of jesse" which, were i still updating my quotes page, would probably not have made it on because i aparently never quote seth, except when it's something inflamatory about the united arab emirates, which, incidentally, got him into some trouble at work.

that is the new background check for companies: a google search.

i got off the T near my apartment and, trying to convince myself that what i was doing wasn't actually what i was doing, i walked over to where simone had parked her car before she went to the reading, just to see if she was still there. i'm not exactly sure what was going through my head at that point as she should have been gone some two hours at that point, but, i was hoping.

we chatted online for four hours that night.

sunday, involved me and a friend from high school and a video shoot for her video production class at emerson. it also involved a band and a really hot backup singer. i don't know why this is important. it's not really. it is just further indication that there's something really screwy in the air, it being spring and all.

simone and i talked more last night.

and i just sent her email this morning summarizing what i wrote here. well, the parts that were all gushy about how i'm not really sure what to think of this whole thing other than the fact that i feel like a little middle-schooler going through the "do you like like her?" phase and covering my math books with brown paper bags.

she seems to think that this is endearing, which either means that i'm much cooler than i thought, or that she's a big sucker.

we're going to a movie on thursday. dare i say a date? oh my.

an afterthought.

the relationship between simone and I is very odd as we both keep public web journals which we both read. i mean, that's how she found me to begin with, and the i found hers through some geekery of my own which makes things quite interesting. i forced myself to write that email to her this morning because i didn't want this entry dumped on her without my actually telling her about it. if that makes sense. so yeah. you get to hear my side of the story here. maybe i'll link to her side of it at some point. if she lets me.

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