I'm sitting in a room that most definitely feels like mine. The music is from my collection (though I don't know if I'd be listening to it at this moment in time). These people are my friends.

Or are they? Now that's the real question here. Most of them are. In fact, all of them are. However, left to fate and all, I have a feeling that I wouldn't have anything to do with many of these people. Seems to be the case with much of my life. I don't know. They're all nice enough people. None of them... well, most of them... well, none of them are stranger than I. Except for one. Or two.

friends of one's own (ii)
october 1, 1996

Does that really make any sense though? Apparently I have left everything up to fate, and I have become friends with them. Or at least, it seems that way. Maybe it's my own selfishness, but there are some people that I feel that I would just be better off not being friends with. I have no desire to be their friend. Not through any fault of theirs mind you. It's just that I don't feel that we have "compatible" personalities. Which is really just a shitty way of saying that I don't particularly like a certain person.

Wonderful, now here I'm coming off as a real asshole who's got this "holier than thou" attitude about everything. But it's true. And that's the way I feel. There's no rule anywhere that says that I have to be be friends with everyone that I meet and start hanging out with, but how exactly do you tell someone that? It's damn near impossible (not to mention rude and obnoxious) to say flat out that you don't want to be friends with them. Nor can you just start ignoring them, which is often times even worse than the statement.

So what am I going to do? As of now I just present this facade to the world. Hey everyone, I love you, you love me. But what's that going to do? Is that real friendship? Of course not. Is it making me feel any better about anything? Nope. And what about the person that is the recipient of this treatment? If I've done a good job, then they shouldn't know that there's anything wrong. But is that necessarily a good thing? No, I don't think so.