Fucked up.
Maybe it's because i'm so tired that I don't know what day it is, or maybe it's spending all this time with some really great people. But for the first time in my life (that I can remember), I missed out on something really great, really cool. And I got jealous, just like I always do, and I felt left out, just like i always do.
But then something else happened. I talked to a friend about it. And he told me about what I missed. And he told me how fun it was. And I felt jealous. And he talked to me a bit more, not like someone who was left out of something, not like someone on the otherside of a really big conspiracy. No, he just talked to me like someone who didn't get to experience one small part of life. On insignificant little part. Sure, it was fun. Sure I missed out. But whatever.
In the long run, life is made up of the things that you do experience, not the things that you miss. And I just realized that it doesn't really matter any more. It doesn't matter that I missed out. It doesn't matter that they had fun and I didn't. It's not like the rest of the world is out to get me.
And as I write this, i can feel the sick, "left out" feeling in my stomach going away. As I convince myself that whatever it is i'm doing with my life is good enough for me.
Sure it hurts not to be included in the fun. Sure it feels crappy that you missed out on something that you could have enjoyed. But life is so much more than that. It would be silly to dwell for too long. Life is about making choices. I chose not to take that path. Others chose to. Regardless of what was the "right" choice, I can't go back in time. I can't say "this path sucks, let me try the other one."
*sigh* Rationalization comes so easily when you think you've taken the wrong path.
Okay, who the hell am I trying to fool. I feel like shit, and there isn't any amount of writing I can do to get rid of that feeling.
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