So, what is it about my life right now? I just realized that i've never really had a relationship that was worth anything to me. That's not to say that i've never had a relationship before. I had, one. Well, two. But really one. I don't think you can really count a one day thing on a field trip to a fuji film factory in the middle of japan a "relationship" (though it was fun).No, the one relationship that i've ever had was with a lovely young woman who just happened to like me for some reason or another. but in the end, i was very hurt, and i don't know if i'm a better person form having been through the experience. I can't say for sure if i was in love, but i know for certain that my concept of love has been skewed by knowing her.
I'm afraid to be in a relationship again, because i really a) don't want to be hurt again and b) don't know how to act when in one. I don't want to do the wrong thing, I don't want to be embarrased, i don't want to make anyone (least of all myself) uncomfortable, and most of all, I don't want it to be over again.
That is perhaps one of my worst traits. I plan everything out. Every aspect of my life is planned from beginning to end, even before it happens.
Hey, she's pretty cute.
but if i ask her out she might say no
but what if she says yes
i might be happy for a while
but what if i end up not liking her
then we'd have to break upit'd never work out.
i'm just scared. I realize this. But by always erring on the side of ... fear ... i can't get hurt.
I also can't be completely happy alone.
must. break. this. trend.
tomorrow maybe.
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