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thursday, january 28, 1999, 00:56 the sky. i've noticed this from this apartment. the sky doesn't really get dark. it gets red. i'm not sure what's sitting off in that direction, but when the sky is cloudy and nighttime sets in, looking out my window, i can see a reddish glow. i'm not comfortable here. i don't think that this is home. i was hoping that it would be. all my stuff is here, and that's what i was telling myself when i was back at home. my other home. that i wanted to come back here because my computers are here. my clothes are here. my "stuff," as it were, is here. but now that i'm here, i don't know that i really feel at home. and i don't know if it's because of the furniture. the desk that's a little too high, or the rug which is a little too thin, or the cats which smell a little too much, or the kitchen, which is a little too dark, or the living room which is a little too mismatched, or the bedroom, which is a little too devoid of life. back in the dorms, the furniture was always the same. the look was pretty much the same. i knew what to expect. and for three years, that was home. but was it home for all three years, or did it build itself up to that such that now i'm at a point where i've just turned that totally upside down and i'm now starting all over again. and next year i start over again. next year my ass, that's about half a year away. and here just today, i told myself that i wasn't going to worry about this housing living thing for another couple of months. classes started today mom. take some pictures. here's me getting on the bus. here's me looking out the window. here i am getting taken away to school. here i am getting all nostalgic for the past. and here's me, sixteen years later. he's me taking a modern architecture class. here's me panicking about the future. here's me losing my words. losing my style. i'm sure i had one of those, because these words i speak now, that i write just aren't right. i don't have anything in my head any more. that runonsentence mashed stream of consciousness is gone from my. i just. can't. do it any more. has anyone seen it? did i leave it behind anywhere? has my mind really switched gears so much that before where my thoughts were fluid and continuous, now they're blunt and abrupt? or is that sharp? all i know is that i miss the words that i used to have. and i wonder if they're ever coming home.
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