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saturday, august 15, 1998, 00:15 It's really amazing what three years will do to perceptions. Or perceptions of perceptions. Because it's been three years, and just now am I learning that it's quite possible that I wasn't as big of a loser as I had seen myself as in high school and, in fact, had many qualities that people actually found charming in an individual. How now, three years later, I find that people actually regret not knowing who I was back then, and that maybe I really had all my shit together without even knowing it. Then again, it's possible that this is just a fluke, but one fluke in a void can lead to some very intersting possibilites, and I shouldn't be so quick to dismiss it, correct? But the joy in knowing that the respect that you felt was missing all these years was there, just hidden. These sound like crazy-thoughts. And maybe they are. I can't think straight at this point, and it's difficult to form complete sentences. After spending last night on the couch, falling asleep reading, my mother coming in to give me a pillow and cover me with a blanket, I woke up this morning mildly refreshed. But a normal day with relatively few thoughts leads to a night full of them, and I sit here, back in this house, pondering my future. Then again, what does the future really matter when you're sitting in your parent's house about to embark on a week-long journey on a big boat where they've got a casino, swimming pool, spa, gym, and more old folk than you could shake your shuffleboard stick at, all with a supposedly incredible view of the wilds of Alaska. For this, my friends, is no ordinary cruise that I will be on, but an Alaskan cruise, which will hopefully be much better for my skin and hair, since the heat just makes me break out and my hair to turn all flimsy and icky, not to mention the fact that I can't stand wearing shorts, and there will be no place for shorts on this boat ride. The only thing at this point I hope is that there will be more entertainment than wondering who at dinner is going to lose the first set of dentures or what exactly is up with that "Las Vegas-style extravaganza" they supposedly have on board. While I am sure that the scenerey is going to be wonderful, it would also be nice to, I don't know, meet some people on this trip. Engage in some interesting conversation. Have something to write about. And of course I have to come to the realization that most of the stagnant aspects of my life are due to the fact that I don't have the balls to go out "there," whereever "there" happens to be, and meet people, and instead leave myself snibble on the sideline while "that other guy," whoever "that other guy" happens to be, goes out and has fun and takes life by the ears and shakes it around a bit. I have been saying this for the past couple of months, mulling it over in my head, thinking about how things are going to change now, now that I have my shit together and now that the summer was over (and of course that was a year ago, because this summer is now over and I still haven't done anything) and so on and so on, but the most that I have been able to pull out of myself is the ability to carry-on and carry-on about how I have been thinking about all fo this. But never really doing anything. So this is what I'm going to do for myself. To make sure that there is no pressure here, I am expecting nothing out of this experience. I am going to go and watch a couple of dolphins and play some shuffleboard, but past that, I expect no good stories or experiences. Which should be experience enough. And if I believe that... Yeah right.
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