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wednesday, august 5, 1998, 23:49 it is near impossible to say something like "i'm feeling depressed" without sounding like one in need of attention or pity. or feeling pitiful yourself. here i am, sitting at work, not really having the energy to go home because i know that if i go home there will be the same amount of nothing going on in my head that is going on right now. and at home it will be dark and i'll feel even more alone. what brought this about? an email today from a voice from my past? a name has come up that i expected, naively enough, to be gone from my life forever has now reappeared. no fanfare or bearing of bad news. just slipping back into life. no, i can't believe that. maybe it's just the overwhelming feeling of knowing that the work that i have to do now has to be done before i leave for my vacation, that my break is drawing quickly to a close and that in one month i will be back into my routine of barely sleeping and spending every waking moment running around doing something. gone will be the times of going home and just being able to sit and think and watch tv and have the cat slowly claw the flesh off my fingers. replaced instead with the theatre and computers and doing a lot of things for other people. which isn't all that bad, because it's what i want to do. but this me-time which i've been experiencing has been healthy and good. but that's probably not it either. i feel alone because i am alone. and the only way to change being alone is to try to be with more people. and the only way to change that is to stop sitting around feeling sorry for myself. and unfortunately, i have found that i can't do that. for one reason or another, it is quite near impossible for me to go out and talk to people. at the least it is my fear of my inability to be interesting. and at the worst, it is some unknown insecurity which i have yet to discover in myself. which i know is hiding in there and which at some point later in my life i will discover. which will solve all my problems. but until then, i'll sit in the office and think quietly to myself. alone.
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