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tuesday, june 30, 1998, 02:39 i'm not trying very hard. i know that. i don't know if i'm lazy. or scared. or what. but i haven't been trying to find a job. i haven't been really trying to do anything. mike's out in connecticut right now doing theatre. and i should be out there with him. or i should be back home doing theatre. or something. but i'm not. and i don't get it. i don't know what's going on in my head. my room still isn't unpacked. my projects aren't finished. nothing in my life is together. and i'm way too frazzled for someone who doesn't have a job. i have to do more writing. my server keeps crapping out on me. i can't seem to collect my thoughts. i'm not meeting new people. i keep on pissing off the people around me. i don't want to be near them. i get lonely. i miss my friends. i don't know who my friends are. i don't know who i miss. i don't know if i want to work. i'm sick of being unemployed. i want the opportunity to do something. i'm afraid of the challenge. i'm scared of change. i don't want things to be different. but i know most of all that i don't want them to be the same. i want someone to pay me to complain. or cry. or something. just change my life. somehow. please.
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