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sunday, june 28, 1998, 02:26 for someone who doesn't have a job, i've been spending way too much money. bought three books today, and a pair of sunglasses. and then there's that pesky issue of all these domain names that i want, just, well, because. i'm a dork. i admit that. and the books were most definitely a worthwhile buy. but. what am i thinking? when am i going to realize that in order to eat and live, one needs also to be pulling in money. i live off my parents right now. and i just don't feel right doing it. and of course i still do it, because i can and because this isn't going to last forever, but there's still something about it that's just unsettling to me. unsettling in that a year from now, i'd damn well better be on my own or i'm in a lot of trouble. ... a walk down tonight headed for a ska show, knowing well enough in my mind that i probably never was going to make it there, no problem with that, ended up watching a river on fire again. watching burning logs in the middle of ripples sparks flying through the night air with little smoke the sounds of paddle boats along the water and couples strolling along the banks, watching me watching them. or not at all noticing me watching them. watching the couples walking along, arm in arm, hand in hand, i long for that feeling, that of falling in love with an added bonus of being happy. not that there's much to be unhappy about these days. i've got friends, and the weather's cooled off, and i'm having a decent hair day. it's just that there's not really anything particularly happy invoking around these days. finding too that i've been slipping further and further into myself, preferring much more to read and listen to music and write than to spend time with people. feeling like an awful friend not wanting to spend the time with the people who are around here. but i don't. more isn't always better, as i've found.
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