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friday, june 12, 1998, 04:30 i'm going away tomorrow on a trip to go work at a music festival in the berkshire mountains. and at this point i don't know really if i want to go. i really have no great want to do anything right now. it's upsetting to me, having no motivation to get up and do anything. or maybe the problem isn't that i have no motivation, but that i actually do have motivation but not the means to take care of it. i've been in my aapartment for the last three days coding up scripts for a web site that we've been working on which should have been done months ago that we finally set tomorrow as a deadline for ourselves which i now realize that i can't get done in the time i have left. i spent all day trying to figure out how to do something, which, when i finally figured it out, was actually quite easy. but i spent all day working on it, and it's not done now and i'm not really sure that i care all too much. the problem is that i've been inside this place for way too long. cooped up for too long, and then overload as i ventured out into the world earlier today. first to lunch near campus, and just the people walking around, the fact that there actually were people walking around, people that i hadn't been looking at for the last week, just blew my mind. and then i went to a free save ferris concert where i was hit with a field full of kids which, more than just making me feel pretty old considering most of the people around had to have been in their early teens, made me realize how little i've been getting out and how utterly lonely i am in my own little world. i came home and with a headache and a heart of pain, i went back to my computer. the usual crowd of my friends came back to the apartment, and i wandered into my room, placed myself down on my bed with my stuffed bear that i made in eighth grade and my teddy bear and my bunny rabbit from my friends in high school, and i tried to cry. i just needed to get rid of all that pent up emotion that i had stirring inside of me. and i found that i couldn't cry. not that i'm really all that surprised, but it was frustrating to be lying in my darkened bedroom wanting something to come out and feeling nothing. i'm still trying to figure out where this is coming from. i have a feeling it comes from not being able to talk to anyone. walking around the kitchen earlier, i was noticing that besides the fact that there was nobody around at the time, even when there were people around, i couldn't talk to those people. rather, i could talk, but i could never be sure that the words that were coming out were doing anything. this, i would guess, is not an enviable position to have with one's friends. i really can't figure it out. maybe it's a matter of upbringing. or maybe it's a matter of how i feel people should react versus other people's ideas of how interactions should work. or maybe it's just that there have been a core of about five or six people who have been around for the past two weeks or so and i just need a break. or i need to have more variety in my life. of course that's not to say that i want to scrap the friends that i have now and start over again. the simplest solution, but not really the best. no, i'd have to say that i don't want to lose the people that i have right now. i just wish... i just... i... i don't know what i want. i think i just want to know that i'm being heard and that i matter. that inferiority complex is kicing in. time to smack myself around for that. time to make myself realize that, well, that i can't think that way or it's going to just dig me deeper and deeper into my hole. and i can't be jealous of my friends. what? right. in my state of not being able to communicate, i've been awfully envious of others' abilities to interact. the sky is turning pink now. the overcast sky is catching the light of the rising sun and turning everything a bright shade of pink. i just have to smile when i see nature do something pretty like that. no matter how much the kids next door are screaming, or the parents yelling, or the cars tearing down the street, i look outside and see nothing moving, and i listen and i can hear the chirp of the birds over the fan of my computer, and i realize that i just can't stay sad. *giggle*
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