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sunday, june 7, 1998, 05:05 i had to leave the room. i really didn't want to. i didn't want them to think that i hated them, or that i didn't like their company, but the truth is that i really couldn't stand the situation. the sitting around the kitchen table. the talking about what to do. later, the sitting around upstairs, watching people play video games. i had to leave. so i went into the study and sat down and read and i sat down at the computer and played around a bit. thinking about what makes people friend. what happens to bring a group of people together in such a way that they feel that they have to spend time together. or rather, that they want to spend time together. because often, that time that's spent together ends up being time spent together apart. i don't really know what i'm talking about at this point. there's nothing like summertime to remind a person that five in the morning really isn't late at night but is in fact early in the morning. i'm looking out the window onto this really awful ratty backyard where earlier in the day i was watching a woman standing on her porch holding a brush to groom her dog while it sat alone on the patio with the bricks coming up and the weeds growing in between while she half-heartedly tried to get it back up onto the porch and spoke with the next door neighbors and i'm looking out over this and i see the sky and it's white with clouds and pink with the color of the rising sun which just a few minutes ago while i was sitting out on the playground across the street a nice deep orange. i really have to watch more sun rises. because sunrises, no matter what else is happening, no matter how much you feel like you've let your friend(s) down and no matter how much you wish that you could say the right thing to make everything better but realize that you are cursed with the mouth which speaks nothing but faux pas, sunrises always look pretty. and it's just pretty enough outside, through the chilly air and the overcast skies, to prove that it's worth waking up in the morning. that there's something out there. (this thought brought to you by hallmark and the letter J)
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