|
friday, april 10, 1998, 05:14 so i'm a loser and lost one of my entries. the one where i found one of my old journal files from four years ago and how i remember sitting in a dark room having watched too much doogie houser trying to figure out ways to encrypt my journal even though i was the only one around who could even remotely figure out how to use the damn box. yeah, i'm a loser. the wind has died down for a couple of minutes. it's pretty scary sitting in here, the light behind me on my bed, the christmas lights over my bed, and the window rattling, threatening to blow in. i did nothing tonight, and i really can't collect my thoughts. really. tried to write. couldn't. really want to. need to. have a project that needs writing done for it. can't think. was going to write some long bitchy thing about talented people and how much they suck and how i wish i could draw or write or sing or play some musical instrument or code or act or any of the millions of other things that people can do that i just can't do. and i was going to bitch about people telling me that i am talented, that the lighting that i do is wonderful and what i do for the theatre is wonderful but how really to me that's not really talent but more just refined luck. but then i realized that it would just sound like a pathetic cry for attention so i decided against it. spending too much time on irc. told myself it wasn't going to happen. tried to get addicted one summer because there was nothing better to do. couldn't do it. now, at the worst possible moment. now, when i have three lighting designes, hiring, and class stuff to do. now, of all times, i get addicted. meet some people, talk some. flirt. did i see me flirting in there too? someone who is not me in real life comes out of me on the computer and starts talking to people, being able to express emotions and words and be articulate to a point and not stutter and not look at his feet when he's trying to talk. that person comes out on the computer. and the realization that i don't think i'm mature enough for a relationship. a long-term, committed relationship. or maybe i just haven't found the right person. but i still can't imagine it. i don't know what love feels like and i am still afraid that i never will. at the job interview on tuesday i couldn't stop my leg from shaking and i could hear my voice my voice my voice over and over not sure not knowing what it was saying trying to make eye contact with the interviewers and not knowing where to look at one of five faces which i knew who were judging me. i got the job. and i'm happy about it. i don't know if i'm that unsure of myself on the outside or if it's completely internalized. do i care? bah. and mike just tried to convince me to go to a diner with him and taking all the self-restraint i could muster i stopped and told him no i was going to finish this up then go to sleep to try to get some before the class tomorrow. even though i would have loved to have gone. to talk to him. to try to find a friend that i thought i had lost. but i've got to be selfish. i've got to look out for myself. i've got to have priorities. number one is sleep right now. oh, right. my friends gave me a buffy poster today. *swoon*
| sun | thu |