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thursday, april 9, 1998, 02:10 my eyes and my brain are shot. i'm sitting here listening to a cd that the acapella groups at my high school pressed four years ago. i remember when they did that. i remember when they were recording. they took over the theatre for a couple of afternoons to record. not that the acoustics in a large auditorium are necessarily ideal for recording a cd, but whatever. i remember that there was a storm outside one night, and i remember the thinking that the thunder was pretty loud. and i remember listening to the cd and hearing the thunder during Africa. i didn't actually think that i was sad. today, that is. i mean, everything's pretty much going right. or at least, okay. that's now. right now. almost two thirty on a thursday morning. or wednesday night. whichever. except for that midterm i pretty much failed, things are going well, and i'm fairly satisfied with things that i'm dealing with. of course, this is completely ignoring issues that i'm, well, ignorning. i can't deal with everything right now. but then it hit me. all these things are going right. i've got things going on in my life. and all of the people that i really care about, all of my friends from high school, have nothing to do with it. not only do they not have anything to do with it, but they can't really know it. they can care, and they can be excited for whatever's going on. they can sympathize and support and whatnot, but they're not a part of this life. and as the summer draws nearer, and as this year draws to an end, and as my senior year draws nearer i realize that after four years i'm probably going to leave another set of friends behind. and i'm not sure that i can deal with that. i'm not sure that i've developed these relationships enough and i'm not sure that i'll have enough time to do so. but really, what it comes down to, is that i miss my friends. never before has it been more apparent to me that i can't just give a call and mention something without giving full background because they're just not in on what's going on here. and likewise for me. i really don't know what's going on in the lives of the people that i really care about. i talk and i talk and i talk. but i'm not doing anything about it. why not? because i really don't know what to do. how to deal. i have to come to terms with the fact that my life has in fact changed over the past few years, and my relations have changed over the past few years, and that there's no way to go back to what i once had. that's not to say that there's no way to stay in touch with old friends. nor does it mean that there's no way to make new friends. all it means is that i'm going to have to accomodate them into my life, and never forget the way things are. i have to move on and not dwell. and never have any regrets.
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