another kind of me

friday, february 27, 1998, 03:23 it's too late to think, and i'm already down off my high. it was a great high. one that can only come after listening to storytelling and drumming for over two hours in a room in a theatre that you feel is your home with people that you feel are your new friends though they don't even know who you are. people really don't know who i am. "do you know when..." she said as she looked over at me. i guess i really don't know what i was expecting, i was sweeping the floors and fixing the lights after all. "...oh, never mind, you're just the light guy," she continued. and of course, it's to be expected, because i had never seen this person before in my life. but it makes me think about all of the thousands of people around here that i will see but never know. pass but never speak to. and it makes me sad. because with each person there is a story, and with each story there is another life. and those lives will never be a part of mine. which i suppose is a good thing, becuase there are people out there who are just so clueless that it is painful to be in the same room as them. people who will stand, and laugh, and joke and be completely oblivious to the world that is passing them by. and you really just have to feel sorry for these people. feel sorry that they are living so far removed from everything else around them. to the events which shape their lives. from the people which affect them. then again, there's me. i am so painfully aware of the people around me that i am never satisfied with knowing the ones that i do. as a fault of my own, be it a curse or just a result of my own insecurities, i am unable to, of my own accord, go out and meet people, introduce myself, shake a hand, give a smile, and thus i am left, watching people, longing to know, to feel, to impress to affect, when i can only sit and stare from the side as the other, more competent people step in my place, and talk and interact and meet and shape and impress, standing where i should, saying what i should. but can't. and that's my problem now, or was tonight. as happy as it was, as cool, as soothing and beautiful as it was, there were people that i would have wanted to meet, to talk to, to know, to hold to touch. but couldn't. because of my own fears, founded or not. because of the scenerios that i build up in my head, probably, plausible or not, they hold me back. i'm purposely avoiding the issue (girl) because i don't feel comfortable as i can hardly admit it to myself (lust/love?) and i am afraid of what it is or what it might become or where it's come from and where it is going (if anywhere)or what happens if it doesn't, or more importantly what happens if things work out exactly as i hope. for you must be careful of what you wish for. you just might get some. up one | mail | sun | tue | wed