|
friday, january 23, 1998, 02:36 I find the concept of having to shutdown my room before i go to sleep to be an amusing one. Go to sleep, turn off the computer speakers, turn off the monitor, turn off the discman connected to the stereo, turn off the stereo, turn off the subwoofer, turn off the christmas lights, turn off the lamp. it was, in fact, so much work to turn everything off that i no longer wanted to go to sleep and i instead realized that it had been quite a number of days since last I wrote and it's about time that i start again. So, to write. Unfortunately, the problem arises that there seems to be nothing to say. I have been pretty bad at keeping up with friends lately, getting so caught up in projects, and catching up on email, and updating web pages. It's bad. I'm bad. I know. I think that I'm okay with this whole "not having a significant other" in my life right now. i really don't think i'd be able to handle it very well. seeing as I can hardly deal with friendships, trying to deal with something that much more intense and serious would be problematic for me. What I really need is someone who can accept my inadequecies and realize that i'm not a complete fuckup after all. And i think i've resigned myself to not worrying about it for now. it's always been just a given for me. go to college, start dating someone. that's just the way it happens. or not. i've realized that at the rate i'm going, the rest of my college career is going to be a lonely one. and the outside world is scary. i'm not really sure how to deal out there. i mean, the social scene is probably big and intimidating enough, let along the dating scene. i think i'll stay in this little shell of mine for a bit longer. ... ...a conversation with, that guy. now why did you just write all of that? what exactly were you thinking? is this some sort of weird justification thing for you? put it down on paper, make it stick. make it permanent? well, it seems to be working. tried it with "no regrets" and it worked. weird, huh? what's that? you know. the fact that you told yourself that you were going to have no more regrets from here on in. take responsibility and all that. and don't regret anything you do. realize they were dumb. or wrong. or silly. but don't regret them. realize that mindsets affect actions and that what you did, you did for a reason. that stuff. oh, i get it. yeah. i have kept that promise to myself, haven't i? word. word indeed. go to sleep.
| tue |