[astigmatic much?] pith.org content, daily-like
most recently
archive

Thursday October 12, 2000, 20:19

"Best I've felt all year." "They why choose fear?"
"I'm a New Yorker. Fear's my life."

That line is from Rent, in case you didn't know. I first listening to that CD back during my sophomore year of college. And then I listened to it for about four days straight when I locked myself in the theatre and hung lights and told myself that this was what I was going to do. I was going to become a Theatre Person, professionaly, and it was going to be sexy and all that. I was not going to be a programmer when I got out of college, because programmers are nerds, and I am not that. By any means.

Well, we all know what happened after that.

I spent the majority of my childhood saying things like "New York is nice, but I don't want to live there" and "New York is too big" and "New York smells like garbage and there are too many drug dealers." And I was never moving to New York, because of all these things.

Well, we all know what happened after that.

And yet it was always there in my life. Always just that place we went to have dinner or to go to 2600 meetings or to wander around Canal street to buy cheap electronics. It was just there and I always called myself a New Yorker even though there was nothing really defining me as such.

So I was a recent college graduate living in New York and programming computers and not doing theatre. And after four months of that bullshit, I realized I needed to get out. So I left New York. And didn't realize, until I got on that train the next day, in that new city, and saw all those faces that I realized that I was a New Yorker, whatever that meant.

So I spent those last two weeks away from this life that I had built for myself here. Where here is my apartment and here is my state of mind. So I went to LA and San Diego and Tijuana and Boulder and I took a vacation from my vacation and when I got back to what was presumably suppsoed to be home, I didn't want to be here at all. Even before I left Boulder I had expressly said "I don't want to go back. I want to go right to New York."

But I did. I headed back to my little apartment and along the way struck up a conversation with a girl as we were flying from Denver to Dallas about her life as an engineering student at Purdue and I gave her two Backstreet Boyz temporary tatoos and a paper crane that I made out of a Fast Company blow out card and I slipped it into the pocket of her overalls as we were waiting to get off the plan and she put her hand in her pocket and pulled it out and said "did you put that there?" and I sheepishly said yes as she smiled at me. That was about the only highlight of the trip back and I walked in the door to the apartment and realized that I really really needed to get away.

So my big black boots have finally come in a month and a half after I ordered them and while I really want to make a big stink about it I know that I'm going to march into that store tomorrow and pick up the boots and I'm going to walk out of there with little more than a smile and a thank you (from both participants of the transaction). A bit of the old self-affirmation comes from me standing in the shoe store and having three people ask or gesture to me, "Do you work here?" and hearing that "You're wearing the same shoes as everyone else who does so..." and I find myself saying "No, I'm just trendy enough to work here" and realize that even if I don't try, I've got style, but it's just lost on these people in this backwards city where the trains stop running early and the girls aren't nearly as cute as they should be in a college town.

So now that this move back (or rather, at this point, a move away) is near on the horizon, I have been quite unmotivated to do anything in the way of anything in my life, prefering instead to sleep or worry incessantly about where I'm going to live and what I'm going to do, because I feel that I can't very well start anything new given that I'm about to leave. And of course there could be a big exploration here of how I'm just running away again and that this not wanting to do any work is just me being lazy. But really, I think I just want to go home.

[ permanent link ]

[ email love | your love | consumer love ]

------------------

search the past

remember the past

1999
    aug 04 05 06 08 09 11 12 15 17 22 26 30
    sep 01 03 07 12 20 28
    oct 04 14 18 22
    nov 02 07 12 19 25 26 27
    dec 12 15 18 28 31

2000
    jan 02 06 11 12 18 29
    feb 03 10 14 17 21 23 28 29
    mar 05 06 20 22 25 26
    apr 02 05 06 08 09 10 12 13 17 20 21 24 25 28 29
    may 03 05 08 11 12 15 17 17b 18 18b 21 23 25 29 30 31
    jun 01 01b 03 06 07 08 10 13 14 16 18 21 23 25 30
    jul 03 06 09 10 13 16 26
    aug 02 03 04 08 10 17 21 25 29
    sep 06 07 12 13 18 24
    oct 06 11 12 19 30 31
    nov 08 11 22 26 30
    dec 01 10 14 21 30

2001
    jan 01 09 14 16 30
    feb 11 15 20 22
    mar 06 08 09 21 25 30
    apr 01 04 05 09 13 18 23 24 25 28
    may 04 09 11 14 16 17 21 25 31
    jun 02 08 20 21 28 29
    jul 07 13 17 28
    aug 14 24 26
    sep 09 12 23 24
    oct 10 26 28 31
    nov 11 17 18 28 30
    dec 02 08 15 18 26

2002
    jan 03 07 08 18 20 23
    feb 04 05 17 19 22
    mar 06 10 13 15 17
    apr 13 16 19 26
    may 03 13 16 21
    jun 08 15 21
    jul 03 05 10 18 24
    aug 03 18
    sep 11 20
    oct 03 05
    nov 10
    dec 30

2003
    jan 19
    feb 04 14 27
    mar 10 23 31
    apr 11 15
    may 26
    jun 16 29
    aug 17
    sep 15
    oct 08
    nov 30
    dec 11 24 28

2004
    jan 06 23 30
    feb 01 21
    mar 04 09
    apr 15
    may 02 10
    jul 03
    aug 02 16 30
    oct 04 17
    nov 28
    dec 28

2005
    jan 03 24
    mar 24
    may 28
    aug 01 10
    sep 03
    oct 12 28
    dec 25

2006
    jan 01 07 16
    feb 02 13 28
    mar 12 13
    apr 17

other things to look at

back home