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Friday October 06, 2000, 04:06

There is something both exactly right and exactly wrong with sitting in front of a fireplace in an apartment in Boulder with the lights out and flames casting flickering shadows on the stereo stack with dvd, dat, cd, vcr and television while the soundtrack to The Piano plays and I type on my laptop with the snow outside threatening to fall as it did earlier today displacing the rain so cold it felt like it would cut through my jacket that was not quite and never really claimed to be a winter jacket as I sat in the car that had been outside all day and I could see my breath as my friend started the engine and I noted how I forget what it's like in the winter after a summer and what I was really thinking was that I had forgotten what it was like to get in a car in the winter which reminded me of winters in high school when we would have to walk up to the junior parking lot which was way farther away than the senior parking and we would get into the car and we could see our breath and we would turn the heat on even though the car hadn't warmed up yet and hand rubbing against hands we would leave the school but it would be late and we might have gone out but most likely we would have just gone home to our respective homes and I would have said hello to my parents before going upstairs to my room where I would sit on the computer all night making friends with people I'd never see.

What I mean to say is that the world is changing around me and I am just struggling, in my head to figure it out. I talk about getting a job these days and find myself enjoying the things that I do so much that the thought of having to go back to full-time work bothers me. I have this master plan that would work in such a way that would eliminate the need for me to ever set foot in an office ever again. This plan is simple, yet highly complex and worthy of something out of that time that my friend walked into my dorm room and told me that he wanted to hang out and talk because he was tripping on acid and wanted to tell someone that the paisley drapery in the room was creeping up the side of the wall. It's that kind of thought. The kind of thought that means that once I come out off of whatever this dream world is in which I am living I will laugh at my own naivete or perhaps just innocence about the world. It's that level of understanding that makes me believe that I could support myself doing small programming jobs while working in a theatre part time doing things that I love for little money.

So simple it just might work. I could sit around, using the skills that I have acquired over the years to just help people as they need help. And in return, they could give me some money. And I could do this enough that I wouldn't have to actually get a real job. Instead, I could do that per diem work as needed and work in a theatre being creative the rest of the time. Important note: the theatre would be nice enough that there would be interesting things that could be done in it. It would not be a church basement as is the situation with my current show, which is leading me to something of a crisis in my love for the theatre. Working for your art is one thing. Working for someone else's art in the basement of a Unitarian church is something entirely different. But commitments have been made. And I sound like a crackhead right now.

Back to the topic at hand. The plan goes something like this. I work in a theatre. I do theatrey things. Then I go home and work on my own projects. But these projects are all projects that I believe in. And they don't necessarily have to be mine. I just call them mine because there will be that sense of possession that comes when you work so closely with someone on something for which they have passion that you just want to take the thing and coddle it as your own. That is the hope.

I fear, in thinking about this (vague) plan, that I am something of an idea parasite. Good ideas are had by other folks, and I come in to share in the glory by helping with the development of said idea. Perhaps not quite parasitic in nature. Perhaps more of an idea catalyst? Or maybe it's one of those symbiotic relationships. The ones where I come along and help the project along because I love it, so I get some of that good karma that comes from having the passion for a thing that is doing good for the world and the thing get the benefit of having me.

As if I wasn't arrogant enough.

An itemized list follows.

A quick examination of these films will show a common theme of young adults coming to terms with their lives and doing something to change them (their lives that is). Titan AE, a young man realizes his destiny to save planet earth (notable quote: "You can't name a planet 'Bob'"). Varsity Blues, a young man realizes his dream to go to college, finds his place as a leader, and stands up for himself (notable quote: "I don't want your life"). SLC Punk, a young man realizes that his ideals and motives were slightly misplaced, though only slightly, and that he can still make a difference in the world (notable quote: "I didn't sell out, I bought in"). Bring It On, a young woman realizes that her life has been a lie and instead of rolling over, turns around and redeems herself and her team (notable qote: "I am a choreographer. You are cheerleaders. You are dancers who have gone retarded."). Detroit Rock City, four young men find their way to their dream concert, standing up for themselves and what they believe in along the way (notable quote: "Mom, could I please have my fucking drum sticks back. Please.").

Pardon me while I stoke the fire.

I suppose that it could be that my five year high school reunion is coming up and I would really like something to show for those five years. And I suppose it's that I don't really feel like I've done anything notable in recent years except quit my job twice and write some stories. Stories that I don't even trust enough to stand behind, fully.

I think most of all though, I'm feeling a bit out of sorts again, in this place. What is this place? This place is some sort of limbo between my life here and my life back in New York. And I'm on vacation but I haven't done any work (though it was supposed to be a working vacation). And I'm afraid that I've lost my words again. And my drive. And all I really want is someone to cuddle up with at night.

I'm lonely again.

And I miss the me that I had found once, and lost again. I'm hoping I'll find him in the big city. I don't know where else to look.

Wow. That was a nice visit to melodrama city. Please come again.

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