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Thursday June 08, 2000, 22:58

Catherine is single! (she just wanted everyone to know)

So I've been having issues galore with my dialup service lately. Now I guess I really have nothing to complain about, since I either use free services or I steal service, but still, it's annoying to know that the only place that I can log in and check my mail is at work. That's what happened last night. I was going to write, I was going to respond to mail, I was going to work on imood. But none of those things happened because after dialing and redialing and dialing and listening to the tones and seeing the little icon with the little modem blink on, the connection wasn't actually up and I was left with nothing. NOTHING!

So I watched some old episodes of Buffy that my sister taped for me that I haven't seen yet. I've got a whole season to watch. Yeah. Anyway.

So there are these different priority things going on in different areas of my life and in lives that I come into contact with, and they are causing strange disturbances in me. Well, no, they're just giving me something to think about.

I am starting to come to accept my time in Boston as this thing. This part of my life that exists, and it will continue to exist at least for another seven months (which is the term of my lease). To prove this to myself, I bought groceries today. I bought food that will go in my freezer. I bought things that I have to cook, which means that I will cook. In my apartment. Which means that I live here. This is a weird feeling for me.

I've also decided to get back involved with theatre. This saturday I will be going to help some people build a theatre. They have procured a big box and, according to Channing, they need help building it. So saturday at 2pm it is. We will build, we will be grubby, and hopefully I will recapture that part of my life which has been missing since I left college.

I am also interviewing for the position of lighting designer for a show that goes up in September. That is months away. That is close to the end of my term here. Or at least the end of my lease. What does that mean? Does that mean that I am definitly staying? Well, maybe, maybe not. But what it does mean is that I've decided that I can no longer put the rest of my life on hold because of something which may or may not happen. I may or may not move. I may or may not keep working. But if I live that way, I may or may not ever get back into the theatre.

This is my chance back in.

This is all fine and good.

Simone just bought a house. She is one month older than I am, and she has just had an offer accepted on a condo in the suburbs of Boston. This, to me, is inconceivable. Here I am, not even knowing what state I'm going to be in a year from now, and she is talking about laying new carpeting and steaming her walls to get rid of the old wallpaper.

So does this mean that I am jealous? That I want to be at this point in my life? I mean we all know my issues of not having what other people have, even if it's something that I don't want at all. But this, this I really don't want. I missed being completely ungrounded in my life. High school flowed into college which flowed into a job and then another job. Neither of which is right for me, and the latter of which I now feel trapped in.

I think I missed the part of my life where I was supposed to go out and party, to sneak out of the house and break all the rules. I never broke the rules. I never got caught. I never did anything bad, or wrong, or anything like that. I was a good kid, and it never even occurred to me that I could be anything but.

I never was very quick.

But now, now I have all this energy, energy pent up from years of not being creative in my life, and hell, I can't even get myself to feel ok about signing a one year contract with a DSL provider. So a house? That's totally not on my radar screen.

But what is it like to have it there? To be able to say, "This is my thing, this is my project, this is my house. I have the inner (something) to be able to take responsibility for this thing. I can live in it, or rent it later in life, or sell it again, or or or..."

Or something else. Something that isn't even in my brain, isn't in my vocabulary.

I mean, hello, my dishes aren't even clean here. I have a plate of crackers and cheese on my couch and I haven't touched them. I ate too much tonight. I bought food, but just thinking about it in my refrigerator makes me ill. Food and I, we don't have such a good working relationship.

The point? There is no point? I don't think. I am tired. I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night. And I keep thinking to myself "gee, work isn't so bad lately." Which is me breaking down and admitting that I'm not leaving and that I am going to be doing this for a while. This job. Where "a while" is defined in months.

I need a rug for my apartment.

Boy, how anti-climactic.

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