[astigmatic much?] pith.org content, daily-like
most recently
archive

Monday May 29, 2000, 03:08

I generally start this type of entry by reaching behind the computer and turning on the desk lamp. I then walk to the back of the room and turn off the overhead light. The desk lamp is pointed back against the red wallpaper in the computer room in my parents' house. My old house. My home? As the years go by I'm having a harder and harder time figuring out how to classify it.

I have the light tipped back like that because it's moodier this way. There are shadows cast on different parts of the room, the one-inch thick lucite picture frames casting patches of black away from the light. This is the same place I sat three years ago and started this crazy thing. well a little more than three years. If I end up getting a touch nostalgic, you'll understand why.

I traveled back to school on business and stayed for a night of fun. The business was boring and didn't really matter too much. I then went to see a piece of theatre which was all at once amazing and humbling. I, realizing that I'd both been replaced and not needed, could not help but feel some sort of pride for the production which I was watching. Perhaps it was knowing the people in the show. The director. Seeing that the work of the lighting designer had improved over time. Or perhaps it was just that I used to be a part of all of it, and that it was just sort of residual pride. Which is always a good sort of pride.

And then I realized that I wasn't doing any theatre. It has been aparent to me for some time, but not until I'd seen the set, smelled the space, and was actually inside a space that I called home for so long did I actually honestly feel that I had to be back doing creating loving what I wanted to do.

I resolved that this weekend would be the weekend of realizations and resolve, revelations and decisions about the future.

With that in mind I set off to a party, vinyl pants and velcro shirt-clad.

It seemed to me that people were giving up their dreams left and right when I met up with alumni, peers of mine one year out as well, at that point when we are all forced to realize that a year of life has actually passed us by or swept us along and we have to understand the implications of this. Or at least the realization of this. That we left a world full of idealism (or was that fun? maybe it was just fun) and went out into a world where we felt that those rules no longer applied. And while this might not have actually been true, there was no indication to the contrary.

My reality went from one where I would sit in front of a lighting computer spending time on one perfect cue, in the dark, my eyes watching the theatre morph in time to the action being performed only in my head. I would sit and watch, change the intensity of one single light and call the scene done. In my head. I would do this for hours, for shows I did not love, I would do this for hours. I would not eat, I would not sleep, all to get the one perfect look.

I was probably obesessed with my theatre work for a while. That was my life.

I thought, leaving school, that there was one life for me to travel. And for some reason, I found myself on the phone with people and interviewing for jobs, though I vowed not to do it right away.

And all of a sudden I started making money and once that happened it's been that way. I can't imagine having a job where I would be not making a lot of money. It has become my job to make money. I have fallen into a routine and I've forgotten what it was, what was it? a while back? that other life I had? It had to do with art and making people happy. Ah yes, there's this part of me now that thinks that this could still happen in the current life.

But the other, realistic part, the part that buys the shoes that are comfortable rather than stylish, reminds me the part of me that buys the trendy shoes that I am exhausted after a full day of work and that theatre isn't really that important any way.

Not? What? Did I just write that? That's amazing. It must be the perception that I'm having of my life right now. So tired all the time, mostly emotionally, sometimes (like now) so tired that I can't keep my eyes open. But I am so tired that I don't feel like I can go out to the exciting world of theatre. It just doesn't happen. I need a community (which i miss) and i need some art that I believe in. And what is so very hard is going out and finding these things while being exhausted and emotionally drained.

So by default in the current situation, what you see is what you get?

That seems to be case.

More to come about how I came to some realizations about my life and how these realizations are not going to change anything. I've been rambly enough today.

[ permanent link ]

[ email love | your love | consumer love ]

------------------

search the past

remember the past

1999
    aug 04 05 06 08 09 11 12 15 17 22 26 30
    sep 01 03 07 12 20 28
    oct 04 14 18 22
    nov 02 07 12 19 25 26 27
    dec 12 15 18 28 31

2000
    jan 02 06 11 12 18 29
    feb 03 10 14 17 21 23 28 29
    mar 05 06 20 22 25 26
    apr 02 05 06 08 09 10 12 13 17 20 21 24 25 28 29
    may 03 05 08 11 12 15 17 17b 18 18b 21 23 25 29 30 31
    jun 01 01b 03 06 07 08 10 13 14 16 18 21 23 25 30
    jul 03 06 09 10 13 16 26
    aug 02 03 04 08 10 17 21 25 29
    sep 06 07 12 13 18 24
    oct 06 11 12 19 30 31
    nov 08 11 22 26 30
    dec 01 10 14 21 30

2001
    jan 01 09 14 16 30
    feb 11 15 20 22
    mar 06 08 09 21 25 30
    apr 01 04 05 09 13 18 23 24 25 28
    may 04 09 11 14 16 17 21 25 31
    jun 02 08 20 21 28 29
    jul 07 13 17 28
    aug 14 24 26
    sep 09 12 23 24
    oct 10 26 28 31
    nov 11 17 18 28 30
    dec 02 08 15 18 26

2002
    jan 03 07 08 18 20 23
    feb 04 05 17 19 22
    mar 06 10 13 15 17
    apr 13 16 19 26
    may 03 13 16 21
    jun 08 15 21
    jul 03 05 10 18 24
    aug 03 18
    sep 11 20
    oct 03 05
    nov 10
    dec 30

2003
    jan 19
    feb 04 14 27
    mar 10 23 31
    apr 11 15
    may 26
    jun 16 29
    aug 17
    sep 15
    oct 08
    nov 30
    dec 11 24 28

2004
    jan 06 23 30
    feb 01 21
    mar 04 09
    apr 15
    may 02 10
    jul 03
    aug 02 16 30
    oct 04 17
    nov 28
    dec 28

2005
    jan 03 24
    mar 24
    may 28
    aug 01 10
    sep 03
    oct 12 28
    dec 25

2006
    jan 01 07 16
    feb 02 13 28
    mar 12 13
    apr 17

other things to look at

back home